Chiara Rose

quaranta

tw - slight mention of abuse & rape, and religious struggles/belief

Chiara's POV

I've always found funerals weird, especially those open casket ones. Well, to be fair, I've never been to a funeral before, apart from my fathers that I just attended. I'm not even sure if Mum and John had one, and if they did, I certainly didn't know about it. To be fair, I don't think I would've gone anyways.

I probably only hated funerals because the only one I'd ever been to is my Dads. Honestly, it's fucking stupid. I completely understand the entire honouring the life of the dead person, but their relatives don't need to be constantly reminded of how sorry people are for them. The amount of people that had come up to me and told me how sorry and brave I was, it was just so annoying. I mean, I did appreciate it, I really did, but I'd never met half these people in my life. I almost told someone to fuck off, but Agostino cut me off before I could.

My brothers, my lovely brothers. It's safe to say it's been a bit off a mess in the Bernardi household this past week. I've learnt that all six of them process their emotions very differently, very very differently.

Agostino has completely submerged himself in work, I'd barely seen him at all this week.  To be fair, there was probably a lot that needed to be sorted out with him taking over for Dad. He'd be out late so every night I'd make sure to leave out a plate of leftovers to make sure he'd eat. I think it worked, the plate was always gone when I woke up the next morning.

Giacomo hadn't really changed that much, but it was obvious he wasn't sleeping enough. I'd accidentally overheard Tino and Gi have an argument about Gi taking time off. Tino insisted that he did, but then Gi said the second Tino takes time off he'll take it, and that shut Tino up. He'd been very protective and overbearing, making sure we'd all been fed, done our homework. He'd become very motherly.

I'd barely seen Rocco this week, Enzo said something about him going crazy at parties or something. I think he'd been getting into a lot of fights as well. When he was at home, he was in the gym and I was always too scared to go in to the gym whilst he was in there. I'd been awake a few times when he thought I was asleep and he'd sneak in and give me a forehead kiss, and whisper, "I love you." And then leave again.

Enzo, well he'd gone quiet. I'd seen him a lot in the past week, considering Tino forced us all to stay home from school for a week. Much like everyone, it was so obvious that he wasn't getting enough sleep, I mean none of us were. We'd spent a little bit of time together, and had a TinkerBell watching spree together a few nights ago.

Bruno, I was so worried about him. Every time I saw him his eyes were so red it was obvious he'd been crying. And the worst thing is, I had no idea how to help him. I'd tried to ask Enzo, but he said just to leave him alone for a little, and that he knew what to do. The main reason I was scared is because of his history with self-harm, and I'm so scared that he's going to relapse.

And Carlo, oh Carlo. We'd basically been joined at the hip ever since we left the hospital. We slept in the same bed, sometimes with another brother joining us. And the only time we weren't together is when we were showering. I held him when he cried, when he had nightmares and it hurt me so much seeing him like this. We hadn't talked about the argument we had, but I was planning on bringing it up when things started to get a little better.

And then there's me. I guess I'm doing okay? I haven't relapsed in any way shape or form, and that was really difficult. I was so close so many times, but then someone would start banging on my bathroom door. I was struggling so much to come to terms with the fact Dad was gone, and the past week had been a blur. But I also felt so much guilt, there was a voice at the back of my head telling me it was my fault. And I tried so hard to ignore it, but it was really fucking loud and annoying.