Chiara Rose

quarantasette

tw - mention of eating disorders & graphic mention of self harm

Chiara's POV

I relapsed.

I can barely remember how it happened, it's like I completely zoned out. When I finally snapped out of it I was sitting on my bathroom floor, blade in hand and 4 little lines cut across my very upper thigh. I did it so high it was practically on my hip, I must've thought it through. Now if someone asks me if I relapsed I just say 'no', pull up my sleeves and they'll be convinced. I can still even wear shorts they're up that high.

Relapsing is weird, it's kind of my first time doing it as well. It feels so good in the moment, like so so good, but then when it's over the guilt just started eating away at me. The urge to do it again also takes over, and that paired with guilt makes you feel like absolute shit.

It's probably why I've done the same thing the past 3 nights since I relapsed, safe to say things aren't going well in my brain.

Whilst I broke down in my room after Hamish and I's little chat, turns out Rocco accidentally slipped and punched Hamish. Then Enzo slipped, and then Bruno slipped. Well, at least that's what I've been told, and I wish I could be mad but I was seconds away from sending my knee flying into his crotch. So just this once, I condone their violence.

Tino had to break up the fight, seeing as everyone else in the room was busying enjoying the show. Apparently he threatened Hamish, to be honest it was real brave of Hamish to threaten me in my house, with my older brothers around. I don't think he actually has a brain.

Carlo and I snuck into Tino's office and rewatched the security footage of the fight. If I'm being honest, it was a very interesting fight. Enzo threw a plate at Hamish, which was personally my favourite part of the fight.

Since then I've fallen back into my old, exhausting routine. Wake up, eat, feel guilty and convince myself to keep it down, study, make sure my brothers are okay without talking to them too much, study more, and then lock myself in the bathroom for a few seconds. So far no one has suspected at thing, which means everything is going exactly to plan. They're more focused on making sure I eat, don't throw it up and don't get kidnapped.

The only brother I'd been talking too was Carlo, even though I was still extremely mad at him. But I'd rather be mad at him and still talk, other than not be talking to him at all. He also confessed that he told Tino, "She's more of a risk to herself then the Russians are." And Tino didn't listen to him. I was offended for a whole half of a second, before I realised that he was probably right.

I usually wake up extremely energised on the weekends, but not this weekend. Today I haven't been able to pull myself out of bed, hence why I'm still lying in bed staring at the ceiling. I haven't even found the energy to roll over and grab my book, or even my phone, which is usually the first thing I do.

It feels like there are weights on my ankles and wrists, weighing me down to my bed and not letting me get up. I feel like I needed to sleep, but my brain won't shut off. I can hear my blood thumping throughout my body, especially up in my head. It's really loud and annoying.

Suddenly the sound of my blood is overtaken by the sound of actual feet thumping on the ground, at an extremely fast pace. There's also a lot of yelling happening out in the hallway, I want to go and see what's happening. But I don't have a bra on and I know there are more people out there then just my brothers, but I also can't pull myself out of bed.

"It's almost 1 in the afternoon, what do you mean she hasn't gotten out of bed? She's usually like cleaned the entire house by this time." I hear one of the voices say, now I'm paying more attention I notice the voices and footsteps coming closer to my door.