Bumaba ako at nadatnan si Erich na nanunuod naman ng Loud House sa PLDT cable. Umupo ako sa tabi nya.
"Popcorn?" alok nya sakin sa popcorn na nasa bowl at nakapatong sa hita nya. "Belle asked me for your number, hindi ko binigay kasi wala namang consent mo. Bigyan ko ba?"
"Hm," tumango tango ako. "Kaibigan ko din naman sya ata?"
Erich laughed. "Silly. Palakaibigan ang isang yun, Rina. Everyone is her subject of interest." nagsalubong ang kilay ko.
Subject of interest? What kind of SOI? Is she two faced? Or baka hindi lang dalawa ang mukha nya?
"She's harmless, Rina. Pero grabe ang trust issues non. I doubt that someone will break the walls she built." explain ni Erich nang mapansin nya na bigla nalang akong tumahimik.
Lahat ng pinakita nyang ugali noong nakaraang araw. Was it all just for a show? If so, para saan?
"She's nice, but she's not that kind. She is passive, Rina. And she is fond of you, malay mo ikaw ang makakasira sa mga pader na mala AOT ang peg."
"Heh. Bakit mo ba sinasabi ang mga yan sakin, Erich?" kibit-balikat na tanong ko sa kanya, hindi ko naman kasi sya tinatanong.
Erich gave me a side glance before fixing her eyes on the television again. "Because she just needs some f-cked-up titan to destroy her walls."
"Anong connect doon, Erich?"
She heaved a sigh before facing me. "I know walang connect ang sinabi ko but maybe, just maybe, you are that f-ucked up titan, Rina."
Napailing nalang ako sa sinabi nya at nanood nalang din ng Loud House.
I'm not looking for someone to spend my life with. I am fine on my own, and it is better that way.
I cannot afford to lose more than what I've lost now.
Nagpaalam ako kay Erich bago umakyat sa kwarto ko. Nang makapasok sa loob ay agad na dinial ko ang number nya.
"Hello?" napahinga ako ng malalim nung marinig ko ang boses nya. Her voice sounded sleepy.
She still have excessive sleepiness in broad daylight. I wonder if she still drink those prescribed sleeping pills.
"Hey. Can I ask you something?" yan ang agad na sabi ko. Ayoko pa na magpaligoy ligoy. After all tumawag naman ako para tanungin sya.
"I'm sorry, who're you?" I almost let out a laugh when her who'(a)re you sounded like how you pronounce the word whore.
"It's Ballet." tumahimik ang kabilang linya nung sinabi ko ang pangalan ko. "You still there?"
"Y-yeah, I'm still here." tila ang boses nito ay hindi makapaniwala. "I was just, you know, shocked. It's been awhile. How are you?"
Pabagsak akong humiga sa kama ko. "I didn't really call for kamustahan, Uri. I called because I want to ask you a question, and I want you to answer it honestly." diretsang sabi ko.
The line went silent for a second. "I'm sorry, Ballet. I'm sorry. Ano ba ang tanong mo?"
"Why did you cheat on me?"
Again, the line went dead silent. "I'm sorry, Ballet. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Hindi ko yun sinasadya."
"Hindi mo sinasagot ang tanong ko. I want an answer. Ano ba ang kulang?"
"Wala. Walang kulang. Ako ang nagkagusto sa iba, ako ang naghanap. Wala kang pagkukulang saakin, Ballet."
"Kung wala, then why did you cheat? Am I really not that enough? Naiiwan ako." tumahimik talaga ang kabilang linya pagkatapos kong sabihin iyon, ilang segundo lang ay hikbi na ang narinig ko.
I didn't feel anything. It was over. We were over a year ago. But I just want an answer to my unanswered question, kung bakit ako yung naiiwan lagi.
"I'm sorry, Ballet. I'm sorry. Hindi ko sinasadya na magkagusto sa kanya." nanahimik lang ako at nakinig sa kung ano ang sasabihin nya. "You are more than enough, but she made me feel the things na hindi mo naiparamdam."
"I loved you. I really do. Pero hindi ko nadidiktahan ang puso ko kung sino ang mamahalin nito. Hindi ko hawak ang isip nya, Ballet. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I caused you too much pain. I know na sobrang laki ng damage na nagawa ko. Forgive me, Ballet." Her voice was calm and understanding, I can feel her being cautious and aware of the words slipping out of her mouth.
"You were long forgiven, Uri. I'm just curious bakit ako ang naiiwan, lahat kayo nangako sakin pero iniiwan nyo parin ako."
"Is it about him, Ballet?"
"Hm." parang tanga akong tumango na akala naman ay kita nya.
"Hindi nya hawak ang buhay nya, hindi nya ginustong iwan ka. Mahal ka nya, Ballet. Pero oras na nya. But I cannot blame you questioning the world. Kahit ilang taon na ang nakalipas, I am still questioning why my mom died."
Is God really real? Do that supernatural being really exist? Or maybe he or she is just used to scare off children, so that they will do good things?
"Hindi nya gustong iwan ka, Ballet. Hindi nila gustong iwan tayo. Alam kong mahal ka nya. Dahil saksi ako doon, kita ko yun kung paano ka nya protektahan nung araw na 'yon."
Right. That day. That day I lost him.
He was brought to the hospital right after that incident. The incident where he protected me.
I cried and prayed hard. Yes, I prayed to the supernatural being people called God. Nagdasal ako non. I believed in God that He will save him from death. I was overwhelmed with joy when he was brought to the ICU and wait for him to recover, I continued to pray.
I can't lose him. I'm not ready. I will never be ready. Never.
But my world crumbled after 14 days he was transferred in the ICU. I lost him. Completely.
When I lost him, I almost lost my sanity. I was alive, but already dead inside. Kahit ngayon.
"God has plans, trust in Him, Ballet."
Napailing nalang ako. I once gave my trust, I prayed hard but He was deaf. "Right. Thank you for answering my call, Uri. Bye." and I ended the call.
I don't even know if I still believe that God really do exist. I am doubting His existence, is He really real? O gawa gawa lamang ng mga matatanda?
For almost half an hour nakatitig lang ako sa kisame ng kwarto ko nang bigla nalang tumunog ang cellphone ko, parang notification bell ang tunog.
Tinignan ko kung ano ito. Someone texted me. It was Uri. Saying things that made my worries go away for a short period of time. It made me curved my lips into a small smile.
If she did not cheat, maybe-just maybe, we are still together. And I have someone I can lean on, hold on when life f-ucks me harder. But that would be a f-ucked up story. Right now, I'm happy she's okay. I know life is also hard on her.
I locked the screen of my phone and was about to put it inside the drawer of my nightstand nang biglang naglit up ang phone and my heart stopped for like a second when I read the name of the sender.
Hey. Gumawa ka ng facebook account para sakin? Sweet naman. I'm outside. Come. Hintayin kita, bring my I.D with you, miss.
Jusko. Miss, yung puso ko po.
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