I'm A Loser

Chapter 21.

Four Months Later
June 23, 1959

"Everything alright?" I asked.

Stu grabbed my hand as we walked out of the doctor's. He handed me a small set of pills to put in my bag.

"They said nothing unusual was found during the x-ray. I should be alright as long as I take those pills." He yawned.

I clinged onto his arm. "Well that's good news. As long as you're alright."

"Yeah." Was his only reply.
..
I knew this had been getting him down lately. Ever since that night, things seemed to be getting worse. He couldn't focuse on his work, he was getting behind. Sex wasn't as it used to be. He was always stressed and in pain. But as stubborn as men may be, he refused to see a doctor.

"Molly we don't 'ave money for that type if nonsense." He would always tell me.

So I saved up money from work and even got John to help me pitch in. With that, I made Stu cut classes and dragged him to the doctor. I was tired of our happy lives being on a stand still and him always being grumpy. Hopefully now, things can get back on track.

It was his birthday and we all planned him a party at our place. Stu and I were going to an art show first, which should end around seven. Then off back to ours where everyone will shout surprise. Stu will be delighted. He must think everyone forgot about him since nobody's phoned him or said happy birthday. Everyone except for me that is.
..

We entered our apartment at around two. Stu went straight to the sink to get some water for his pills. I handed him the bag and watched him pull out five small bottles. The look of embarassment and frustration on his face as he took a single pill from each one.

"Stuart...as long as they make you feel better." I said, placing my hand on his arm.

"How the hell would you know!?" He pulled away from me, sounding angry. I jumped at his outburst. "You have no idea how I've been feeling! I wasted my whole day at the fuckin doctor's when I should have been in class working! Now because of you i'm behind a day!"

"Stuart I...I was only trying to help." I said sadly.

"Well don't! This is none of your concern and your problem! Just worry about your own fuckin life and I'll worry about mine!"

I stood silently, feeling completely torn as he tossed the pills on the floor. Storming into the bathroom, he slammed the door making me jump.

I wiped my eyes and sniffled, grabbing my coat and purse, leaving the apartment. My heart broken from his words. Did he not believe I cared about him?? After all this time...

Running down the stairs and out the front door, I bumped into a cursing Lennon.

"Fuckin watch it!...Oh Molly!" He smiled but soon stopped when he saw the upset look on my face. "What's wrong??"

"Just...Stu had an outburst up there. We came back from the doctors and...he seems upset having to take pills. I don't know what got into him I never seen him like that."

John sighed. "He's been stressed lately with his work. That lad needs a break."

"I can't help but to feel a little responsible. I mean I push Stu to work hard and...this is my fault." I looked down.

"No it's not Moll. It's nobody's fault. Stu's just used to taking care of himself he's probably still getting used to having someone there for him."

"He was just so angry it...it scared me." I stuck my hands in my coat pockets. "He must have felt ashamed to look weak."

"Don't worry about Stu yeah? He just needs time to cool down." John rubbed my arm. I nodded.

"I hope so. Where um, where were you headed?"

He chuckled. "I was actually coming up to ask if ye wanted to help with a few errands. I mean, we need a cake still."

I smiled. "Okay. I just need to get my mind off this."

"Come on." He extended his arm out to me. I giggled and looped mine with his, walking down the street to the bakery.
..

John and I ended up tasting about every cake in the place as we chose one for the party later. We found some candles and streamers to decorate with.

John was incredibly sweet. I began to see why Cynthia loved him so. I was used to seeing his crazy, wild side at the clubs and on stage. It turned out there was indeed a calm, soft side to Lennon. He was so steady and actually took a breath when he talked. But he did remain the jokester he was which ended with us being thrown out of a few places, arguing over him wanting to get Stu a stripper and trying to get me to buy lingerie.

"We should head back. Stu and I got the art show to attend. One of his pieces are up for bid." I smiled to myself.

"Yeah? Well, let's get on it then."

We walked down the lonely road, taking a short cut through the park.

"Look um....I know you and Stuart love each other. I just..don't understand."

"Understand what?" I looked up at him. He sighed and came to a stop.

"Just why you and him moved on so fast. Why do you fancy him so much? He's completely obsessed with his art, he stay's after class, he eats hardly, has no kind of musical bone in him I...why would you settle for that? When I met you, you were so full of energy and wanted to rock n roll. You loved the music, George tells me you were so active and full of life. Now you...you've changed. Everyone's seen it but you."

I looked down at my feet, taking in his words. "John. Things with Stuart are great. I love him and he loves me. Settling down may sound boring to you but for us it's comfortable. You just don't understand..."

"Then help me understand Molly." He pleaded. My eyes met his. Our gaze just holding one anothers attention. "I could be so much better for you." He whispered.

I opened my mouth to speak but he leaned down and pressed his lips on mine. Our lips slowly moving together. I shut my eyes and got caught up in the moment, breathing heavily as he kissed more eagerly. But I thought of Stuart. Reality coming back. I pulled away.

"J..John."

"Molly." He leaned in more and kissed me. I kissed back but pushed him away.

"I can't do this. I'm sorry I...I can't. Stuart's good to me and this isn't fair to him."

He looked at me and nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry I..I don't know what got into me."

"It's okay John just, let's not let it happen again. Ever. I'm Stuart's girl. Not yours."

He swallowed and looked around. "We should get going."

I nodded and with that, began our silent walk back to the apartment.
........