I'm A Loser

Chapter 33.

John and I walked together later that day to pick up the desk while Stu went out to visit his dad. The sky was dark that afternoon. Johns hands in his pockets. He was awfully quiet on our way down.

"John?"

"Hmm?"

"What do you think of what happened last night? I mean....what with you me and Stu."

He stopped in his tracks and looked down at me. "It was great. Why?"

"Does Stu know?"

"About?"

I sighed. "Your feelings for me."

He stayed silent and shrugged. "Maybe. Molly..."

"John this needs to stop. I love Stuart and your constant move ins on me and flirting..."

"You have feelings for me?" He asked. I just looked at him and shook my head.

"N..no."

We began walking again until he gently pulled my arm to stop.

"The truth is Molly, I've always liked you. You're different and outspoken. You listen to us play and have a fun personality. Stuarts just so..."

"What? Boring?" I laughed to myself. "Ive heard it before John."

"I don't meant to sound rude or harsh. But he has nothing to offer..."

"He has plenty to offer thank you very much." I glared at him and began to walk off. He caught up to my fast pace.

"Don't you ever miss going to the cavern at night 'avin a pint and enjoyin a band on stage? The roughness and raw power of the atmosphere? What did you trade all of that for?? Books and art?? Financial problems and marriage?? You were the girl blokes loved to know! The kind of girl we all wanted and knew we could get on with! Now...you're just Stuarts girl."

I bit my lip and took in all of his words. The small amount of guilt hurting my chest cause I knew he was right.

"Stuart and I share something you couldn't even imagine John. He loves me for who I am and he saved me from..."

He scoffed. "Don't give me that Molly. Don't find excuses to stick around..."

I laughed disgustedly. "I can't believe you're telling me this! Why now John hmm?? You in love with me?? You want me so damn bad you're willing to speak this way about your own friend?? Well news flash John, I love Stuart more than I will ever love any man. So what I've changed! So what I've traded my prospects for something else! Its none of your God damn business!" I shoved him. He shook his head and looked up at the cloudy skies. Then at me.

"I'm moving out. I can't stay with you and Stuart."

"Maybe its for the best. I just...why can't we just be friends? Like before?" I sighed. He looked into my eyes and bit his lip.

"You and I both know we were never just friends."

I nodded and leaned up, giving him a peck on the lips. He held my face in his hands and kissed me hard. I got caught up in the moment and after a few seconds, pulled back.

"I do have feelings for you John. More than I should. That doesn't mean we belong together."

"I understand." He hid his broken voice and looked at the shop across the street. "That it?"

I followed his gaze and nodded. "That's it."
...

"Wow Molly! This is everything I've been after these past few months! I love it. C'mere." Stu pulled me by the hand, kissing me softly. I smiled and kissed back.

"You're welcome baby. I knew you'd love it."

He pulled it by the large window and grabbed a lamp, setting it on top. I smiled, watching him and taking a sip of my coffee.

"Too bad lennon couldnt stick around. He took the gifts and ran." He joked.

I knew the truth but stayed silent, staring at the dusty bass in the corner and thinking of Johns words earlier. I didn't want to let John get to me but half of what he said was true. I did change and I missed the rock n roll life. Stuart was different but that's why I loved him. Why I fell for him. The look we gave each other that first night in that club. He wasn't rock n roll. He was real.

"Stuart?"

"Yeah?"

I sat on the mattress and pulled my jeans off.

"Earlier I came across a boy in the shop and...he was so cute and sweet. I gave him some advice and he seemed to really listen to me."

"Well that's cause you always have something inspiring to say." He smiled, walking over and sitting beside me. I giggled and kissed his cheek.

"So sweet babe. No but...I dunno call me crazy but its got me thinking of the future. I know were still so young and still kids ourselves. But...do you ever see children in our future?"

He stayed silent for a few seconds and looked at me. "I do. Ive thought about it before. Sometimes I'll see you in bed and I can't help but to wonder if we had a little one, he or she would be cuddled right beside you. It'd be a beautiful sight."

I blushed at his sweet words and held his hand. "I hope well have a son. One with talent and someone to carry on the Sutcliffe name."

It was his turn to blush. "I love you."

"I love you too." I kissed his cheek. He reached under his pillow and handed me a small wrapped box.

"Hiding things from me aye?" I teased.

"Since lennon is gone, I figured this is the perfect time." He watched me unwrap, waiting for my reaction. Minxy and Popkins pouncing in Stu's lap.

I gasped and looked in the box, then at Stu.

"This...is this for real??" I smiled.
"We leave on New Years. A holiday for us yeah? Besides...since John and the mates will be down in London and I have no classes, we can think about our future. A trial run yeah?" He shrugged.

I sniffled and wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him passionatly.

"This is a beautiful gift Stuart. I love you so much and...the fact you've planned this and are thinking of us...future us...its the sweetest thing a man can do for his wife."

He kissed my cheek and wiped my eyes. "Come now love don't cry."

"I'm not crying I'm just so overwhelmed. Can we leave now?" I laughed. He chuckled and kissed me softly.

"Soon Molly. We'll be making love in America and having a change of scenery. The sunny skies, the busy cities."

I giggled. "You always know how to make something so simple sound romantic and beautiful."

"Only for you love. How about we shut the curtains and turn off the world around us and spend the holiday as one?"

"I'd love that. Stuart I just...let's not tell anyone."

"Sounds like a plan." He smiled. "I better set the fire on before we freeze."

I watched him get up and head to the fireplace. This is exactly what we needed. To go away. Away from England. From our families. From John, the band, the rainy skies. I didn't trust myself around John anymore. He was a reminder of what could have been. My life before Stuart. I was a different woman now.

Popkins crawled in my arms and purred loudly.

"Just a few more days. Then well be off to America." I smiled to myself.
......