I'm A Loser

Chapter 74.

I laid in bed later that night just sitting up while Stu exhaustedly slept after consoling me all evening. Even after I constantly told him I was alright, he still held me and often kissed the top of my head as I broke out into small crying fits. It wasn't at all over sadness anymore. It was mostly just the thought of me never getting to see her. To hug and kiss her. She will never see Liam. I'll never get to just have small moments or a long conversation like we did in the old days. We may have had ups and downs but in the end, atleast I had forgiven her. The only thing that made me feel ill was the fact I didn't stick around to see her at her final moments.

"Molly." Stu rolled on his back and looked at me. I looked at him and ran my fingers through his hair.

"How long did you know?"

"About Tiffany?"

I nodded.

"When we arrived. Your father told me not to tell you that first day. He told me after watching you spiral out of control after your mum passed, he didn't think another significant loss like this would be the right way to begin your first day in Liverpool."

I hugged my knees to my chest and stayed silent.

"Are you upset with me?"

I looked at him and sighed. "No. Im just frustrated. I mean she was so young and now, she's gone. It just makes me realize how short life is. One day someones here and the next....just gone. Then it starts making me think of us."

By now Stu was sitting up. "Molly nothing is going to happen to any of us. Were both healthy...well you and Liam..."

"It's that exact though that makes me feel scared. I mean what if god forbid something happens." I felt my voice begin to break. "I love you so fuckin much. I can't do all of this on my own. I cant lose you or go through this again. I know you get mad at me when I tell you to take your pills or to keep seeing your doctor every month. I just don't..." I began to cry by now. Stu pulled me in his arms.

"Shhh Molly. Nothing will happen to me. I promise you that."

"My head hurts so much from thinking of it all." I held onto him. Liam began to cry as well, reaching up in the air and then stayed silent. I looked over at him as he wiggled around and just grabbed into nothingness. His small whimpers didn't sound sad. He sounded curious. Stu got out of bed and walked over to pick up Liam and head back to where I waited.

"He okay?" I asked.

"He's just in the mood for some attention from mummy and daddy. Aren't ye lad?" Stu smiled and poked Liam's tummy.

I watched and broke a small smile at Stu making silly noises as our little boy smiling and held onto his daddy's finger.

"I'm sorry I overreacted. I'm just so overwhelmed with the news. My whole life seems to be spiraling out of control. It just feels nice to know I have a loving husband and a beautiful little boy here waiting for me everyday." I snuggled beside Stu.

"You're not overreacting Molly. I understand what you must be feeling. I think right now we need to enjoy life to its fullest. Enjoy what we have now. I'll always be here as long as you're here for me. I love you Moll. C'mere." He nudged my chin up to meet his gaze and leaned down kissing me. I smiled and kissed back. "My dream." He whispered.

I giggled and grabbed Liam into my arms as he shut his eyes. "Stuart?"

"Hmm?"

"I want to visit her. Where she's buried."

"I'll ask in the morning. We can go down together. I think it's about time we spend some time together."

I smiled. "We can take Liam out to see the beautiful world he's in now. I think it's time we start focusing on what really matters. I miss the way we used to be."

"You mean that poor couple who found themselves in dumpsters takin other people's furniture and knickin record from second hand shops?"

"Remember how much fun it was though?" I smirked. He laughed and shook his head.

"Mums bein naughty now isn't she?" He kissed me slowly. I hummed and pulled back.

"Let me set Liam in his crib first you naughty boy." I kissed the tip of his nose before getting out of bed.
.....

Since last night I decided to not let anything get me down. Yesterday's news was a shock and a real eye opener and it made me realize how much life can change in the snap of a finger. So early the next morning Stu and I got dressed, set Liam in the stroller and headed to the cemetery after some flower shopping to pay our respects. It felt odd being in one of these places. I often wish my mom was buried so I could visit. But she wished to be cremated and set free in the sea. That was always her favorite place to unwinde.

As I sat and talked, Stu sat on a bench, writing in a notebook and smoking a cigarette. I looked over at him and sighed.

"Some things never change. Stuart's still so serious but, when it's just us he's a complete loon." I giggled. "I'm glad I'm the only person who really knows that side."

"Molly it looks like rain." Stu pointed. I nodded.

"Okay." I turned to the gravestone. "You were the most beautiful girl I'd ever scene. Give all those angels hell up there." I smiled and wiped my eyes. "I know you're up there with mom. Tell her I said hi yeah? She'll take good care of you."

"Molly. It's time." Stu rested a hand on my shoulder. I nodded and stood up with his help.

"I feel better." I sniffled. He wiped my eyes and held my hand and I pushed the stroller. Liam making more cute noises as we headed out the gates.
...

"Aye you two boring chaps. You lot coming to my ever so famous party at Pauls tonight??" John asked as we sat in a small place to eat. Liam happily enjoying his uncles attention as he was bounced up and down on John's knee. "This lad is gettin heavier."

"He's a growing boy." I giggled and pinched Liam's cheek.

"What time?" Stu asked John.

"About six. I just want to 'ave some time 'ere at home before it's all over." He shrugged. I popped a 'chip' in my mouth and furrowed my eyebrows.

"What d'you mean?"

"Well you know Hamburg and all again. But now that we're popular and gainin a manager and a whole crew, things are lookin good for us. Who knows, we'll be out of the Cavern and playin all around Europe! Paris, Russia, France...."

"Paris is in Fra... it doesn't matter." Stu shook his head. "How come you didn't mention this before??"

John shrugged his shoulders. "I thought you two would be too busy to even know." He sighed. "Were all moving on mate I just...I wonder if this is the end of all of us. I mean you two are with your own lives, I'm startin mine with the band. I'll be gone, you two ship off back to New York. Where's the time for us all to be those friends in college again?"

We all stayed silent until Stu spoke.

"I can't help but to feel like this is goodbye."

John stayed silent and just looked at Liam. "Maybe it is. Atleast for now. I'm never good at them and well, maybe this party tonight will be it. George's forgiven ye." He looked at me. I raised my eyebrows.

"How do you?"

He just laughed. "Come to my party. One last fuckin blow out before we split. But this time, we say goodbye."
...........