Fifty Shades Of Love, Sex And Tears

Chapter 48 - Clouds

Charlotte's POV

I'm not getting married by your families vicar," I declared chucking my dirty plate in the sink where I began to wash it in the boiling water.

"Careful, you'll burn yourself." Christian quickly said pulling my hands away and me into his arms. "I know you don't want to, but it makes sense." He added making me groan in annoyance. Since we came back, Christian had begun pestering me about this and the general wedding, clearing realising it is only a month away.

"It doesn't though, because neither of us our religious, it's just what your parents want." I quipped in return. "What do you suggest then? A stripper? A fireman? Elliot?"

"Oh I'd love a stripper actually I think I want them to dress as a firefighter, really get me in the mood." I shouted in response before storming to my safe haven, the library whilst Christian retreated to his study. Both of us too suborn for our own good and both getting shorter tempered the closer we got to the wedding.

I slammed the door closed and threw myself on the couch planning to read a manuscript, but I froze. My eyes were focused on the document no one had touched since Sawyer brought it up here in January. It contained all my secrets and my dirty past, but Christian hadn't touched it, not even asked about it since I told him that he could and where to find it.

It just sat there.

I used to wonder what had been written about me over the years and now I had the chance to find out, all I had to do was reach forward but I didn't want to.

And I didn't know why, so I just sat there staring.

Waiting, waiting for it to disappear but it didn't, it just stayed there.

I tried to imagine what was inside:

"Uses sex and alcohol to hide emotions"

"Borderline anorexic since she was 13 which got worse after parents death"

"Panic attacks driven by surviving a murder-suicide attempt and lying to her fiancé"

"Charlotte, baby, breathe," Christian's begs suddenly registered in my mind. His hands on my shoulders holding me upright as he tried to help me breathe. "You're fine, just copy me, nice and slowly."

I began shivering, the sweat my body was now coated with acting like ice water. Noticing Christian reached for the blanket under the couch and wrapped me up before pulling me into his lap where I cried quietly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He gently asked once the panic attack had completely passed but I shook my head. "Please don't shut me out, even if it's me Char." He continued but I continued to shake my head until he stopped pestering and I could close my eyes finding peace.

The following morning, Christian didn't leave my side. He came on my morning run, then up to the gym before joining me for a shower and breakfast. I knew he was worried especially when I hardly touched my food feeling sick at the thought of eating.

"Try and eat some more, baby." He coaxed gently but all I did was shake my head and begin drinking my second coffee. "I can't, I'm always like this when I have a doctor's appointment." I half lied, I was going to get my shot this afternoon, but I only felt ill when it came to the needles. Christian mumbled something about forgetting that was today before bringing up last night.

"Is it the file, because I can just move it or give it to Flynn to hold on to till you're ready." He explained trying to find the cause of my unrest.

"I can drop it off this afternoon if you'd rather not do it yourself," he continued but I shook my head. "I can. I'll go this morning if you let him know so you can go to work." I said as firmly as I could just wanting to be alone for a while.