Tae laid in bed going over and over all that had happened that day, from waking up with JK to his father over hearing about him.
Sleep was eluding him, he didn't know what the future held, he hadn't heard his dad come back in, his message from JK had been short and confusing. RM was there?, and on top of all that suddenly his bed felt so empty, as though he'd been waiting all his life to share it and now he wanted to all the time.
He kicked off the covers in frustration and got up. He opened his window and looked out across the country side and up at the stars.
So many questions and uncertainties. He made himself comfortable and sat on his window ledge, the breeze coming in through the window was gentle and cooling.
He pulled out his phone and looked at pictures of JK and then of him and JK. Now he knew, it seemed so obvious to him the JK loved him and that he was clearly in love with JK. No wonder their fandom had shipped them.
He found a taekook compilation that almost perfectly catalogued their entire history, from friends to awkward awareness, to one liking the other first and then coupledom.
How strange to think they'd been the last to know. He sighed and looked up at the stars again. Would it have made a difference he wondered, if they'd known from the start? Probably he acknowledged, but it would have caused all these problems they had now but back when they were younger and not mature enough maybe to ride this storm out.
His mother had always said things had their own time, like when he'd been younger and decided to be a musician but had failed at first, how he'd only become part of his group now by coincidence and fate.
He'd gone to the audition with his friend, just to support him, having already resigned himself to being a farmer, but then he'd been picked and his friend hadn't,
The right time, his mother had said, when the farm had needed a new roof, their group had just won their first award and money had started to come in, before that they'd nearly disbanded because the company was broke,.. If the roof had collapsed just six months before he wouldn't have been able to help.. Timing was everything and Tae believed that as much as his mother, so he guessed now was his and JKs time.
He really hoped so. He picked up his phone again. Thinking of JK had reminded him of something he had to do. Research!
He felt a bit embarrassed at the thought but knew he needed it. They'd had limeted sex education at school and that had obviously been between a boy and a girl. He had no one to talk to about this, He didn't know how much JK knew but seeing him with condoms had if he was honest freaked him out a little.
He loved everything he and JK had done so far but even he knew there was more to it but he also knew that JK was super nervous, and that was OK,
When JK was shy or nervous he'd turn to Tae and Tae loved that, but he had to know what to do when JK turned to him this time.
He opened his Internet brouser and went dark mode. Typed in Gay sex and clicked video.
Not five minutes later, the phone was the other side of the room having been thrown on the bed and Tae was staring wide eyed in shock out the window looking at nothing.!
It had all been a bit.. He struggled to find the word in his scrambled brain.. Hard core, nothing about it seemed... loving .
The mechanics had been the same as he'd imagined but..
He couldnt think any more, words and phrases he hadn't known existed floated like distorted images behind his eyes. He rubbed his eyes trying to clear his mind.
He wasn't sure what he'd expected but it wasn't this.. He got up from the window sill and crawled back into bed, picking his phone up and placing it on the night stand. It was already two in the morning, he really needed to try to get some sleep. As for his mission, he'd try again tomorrow.
Tae's dreams were full of JK, whips and bondage and he woke at the crack of dawn disgusted with him self for being aroused., It felt wrong to satisfy himself over such a distorted dream so he ignored his erection and took a frustrated shower instead.
After his shower he realised he was hungry and wondered if his father had left for work yet, he knew he couldn't avoid him forever but putting off the inevitable for as long as possible seemed like a good idea right now.
He left his room and went down stairs. His stomach did a nervous back flip, his father was sat at the little table and his mother was no where in sight. He swallowed, his mouth suddenly very dry.
He bowed slightly in greeting and said "good morning father". His father nodded back and indicated he should join him.
Tae sat and watched as his dad poured him a cup of tea, he wished it was coffee but took it and said "thank you" and waited.
His father was a man of few words and honest opinions, Tae couldn't recall ever having a long conversation with him before, most family discussions had gone through his mother.
Finally his dad spoke "Are you prepared for the backlash,?" Tae didn't answer, his nervous brain told him the question was too ambiguous, backlash from him? The world? Army? Bang? So he stayed quiet, keeping his head low and hands in his lap.
"There will be people that hate you for being different" he said " you're mum also will be disappointed to not have grand children, the papers will say horrible things about you." he trailed off, if Tae didn't know better he would have thought his dad was getting emotional and was worried about him.. He looked up at his father..
" I love him " he said simply, as if that one sentence explained everything. His father made a noise and ran both of his hands through his hair.
"you're still a child, what do you know of love, you've spent your entire adult life living differently to the rest of the world, you chose to be seen and heard, you have an image and a standard that is expected from you. You've done things other people dream of, but more importantly you've worked since you were young. When did you have time to learn about love? .
This is all my fault, I shouldn't have let you join the group, you should have stayed on the farm with us, gone to a normal school and hung around with girls when you were a teenager, had crushes and got your heart broken.
How can you possibly know what love is when all you've known are those boys! "
Tae watched his father pace around the small living room. It was definitely the longest speach he'd ever heard from his father.
What could he say to that, his father was blaming himself?
He stood up and went to stand in front of his dad, was he angry, sad, disappointed, it was hard to tell. "this isn't anyone's fault" Tae said " this just.. Is. I tried to deny my feelings and so did JK, am I prepared? No" he said quietly " but I have no choice now, I don't know what's going to happen and ill try to shelter you and mother as much as I can, I dont know if I will lose the group, I don't know if the world will hate us, I dont know if you and mum will ever accept us, I'm scared RM and suga and the rest of the group will hate me, im worried that because of me the group will disband, I can't be with the one person that makes me feel whole. Right now I feel alone and terrified of the future , but when I'm with JK it's all okay, "tears were forming now as all of Tae's fears where brought out into the open.
" I'm sorry for disspointing you, I'm sorry if you feel I've brought shame on you and mum, I'm sorry for not being like other people, I'll work harder to make you proud of me, but.. Im not sorry I love JK, I'm not sorry I married him, I'm sorry the world can't see how beautiful our love is. "
They stood there face to face Tae with tears running down his cheeks, his dad.. His dad had a look Tae couldn't decipher ....
