This was now the third day he'd stayed in his room.. Tae's mother had given him this long, knowing that as well as what ever had upset him he was also exhausted from the tour, but three days was long enough... She marched up the stairs and walked into his room..
"mum!!" Tae said in a huff,
She ignored him and went over and drew back the curtains... "mum!!" he said again.
Tae's mum came over to stand by the bed and looked at him sternly, hands on hips. " Kim Tae-hyun!" Tae always knew he was in trouble when she called him by his full name.. "get up, get washed and come down stairs!" she turned on her heel not even waiting for a response, she knew he would do as she asked.
Tae pulled the covers back up over his eyes to block out the sunlight and the day its self. He didn't want to get up, he'd spent all day yesterday checking his phone had reception, battery, and still nothing, he'd even scrolled through his social media dms in case he had messages there instead.
"KimTae-hyun don't make me come back up there!" he heard bellowed up the stairs.. Reluctantly he pushed the covers down giving a little foot and body shake tantrum as though he was 5 again for good measure. "coming!" he shouted and forced him self out of bed.
"I will not look at the phone" he thought as he gathered his wash things and clean clothes.. "must not look at the phone..., nope," no will power "he thought, the phone practically begged him to pick up so he did, knowing he wouldnt see any message notification any where.
He checked out social media pages and saw the other members were all posting nice pictures and he was happy for them they all worked hard and deserved a break,
Then he saw JK, on the beach, playing with a dog, parasailing.. And in each one he looked so happy, big eyes, big smiles, in one picture in particular his tongue was out and catching the top of his lip piercing, a lump formed in Tae's throat, he had kissed those lips and played with that lip ring.
He certainly looked like he was having fun, like he'd forgotten everything that had happened, and Tae. Logically Tae knew it probably wasn't all real but his bruised heart won over logic.
A quick shower and teeth brush and Tae was done, he didn't want to spend too long washing as memories of being naked and Jk's hands haunted him enough fully clothed.
Mentally preparing him self, knowing his mother was about to ask him questions he didn't think he could answer, he went down stairs.
She had prepared breakfast and coffee and had sat around the little table waiting for him. "Sit down" she said but this time her voice was soft and concerned. "do you want to tell me? She asked..Tae opened his mouth to deny any thing was wrong, fully intending to blame exhaustion but instead to both of their surprises he burst into tears again.
She opened her arms and he fell to his knees and hugged his mother in a way he hadn't done since he was very young.
Confusion, love and concern all radiated from her face but she remained silent and just held him until his tears subsided.
Gently pushing him away from her once the sobs had quietened she looked him in the eye, "you know Tae bear," she said affectionately "you can tell me anything, I won't be disappointed and I won't ever stop loving you"
Her words threatened to break Tae again but he managed a weak smile.. "no mum " he said sadly, "I think i really messed up this time, so badly I can't even tell you" he turned his head away , he couldn't help it, being gay in Korea was still so frowned apon, when he was with JK everything felt natural, their kisses, their chemistry, his touch, but away from him, sat in front of his mother he felt like he should feel dirty and ashamed,
"I'm so confused mum, i feel so lost".
His mother turned him back to face her and gently cupped his cheak. "Tae bear , do you honestly think I don't know what's hurting you right now,? I'm your mother and have been for a long time now, I know you better than you know yourself perhaps, but for me to be able to help you, you have to actually tell me with you own words"
Tae swallowed and blinked "what?!" he thought" no way can she know, she must think its something else!?" He didn't reply and his mother put her other hand on his other cheek and lent forward and kissed him on the forehead" have courage" she whispered, then she dropped her hands and poured them both a cup of coffee.
Much to Tae's relief she didn't ask him any more questions, just fed him food and coffee until he thought he'd pop.
After, she got him to help her on the farm and there was something cathartic about manual labour. Working side by side with his mum, not having to smile just because it was expected,
The day went quickly and he realised not only was he starving but he felt stronger mentally, it didn't mean he wasn't hurt confused or still angry but he felt more able to cope with it, think straight.
He sat eating his dinner silently, his mother must have said something to his father because he was eating quietly too with out asking any questions, which he was gratful for.
He had so many thoughts in his head, like before but now they seemed to be more cohesive thoughts rather than a jumble.
Back up in his room he took out an old school book, found a pen and starting jotting his thoughts down, this always helped him when he was younger, he'd just forgotten that he used to do it.
Am I gay? Was the first line he wrote down. He thought it may seem a stupid question after his 'date' with JK but in all honesty he couldn't say he'd ever been attracted to any one else, male or female, so what did that make him.?
He pondered this for a while, tried to imagine kissing RM or Suga.. Yuk! he thought, what about any of the girls he knew, he pictured them one by one and could appreciate their beauty but he didn't feel anything other than admiration towards them.
Then he pictured JK, his eyes, his lips, his chiseled stomach, his sexy tattoos that he'd kissed up and down and that Army only got glimpses of, his musky smell after working out.. Tae's body woke up at just the thought of JK.
He looked at the question he'd written down and answered.. "I'm definitely gay for JK at least."
Does JK love me the way I love him? Was what he wrote next... He gave this some thought also. They had spent eight years or so living together, they were closer to each other than any of the other members... Maybe Jimin but he was definitely brother material. , they'd shared secrets and heartache and pain from the very beginning,
They had never denied their love for each other on and off camera but most assumed it was platonic, but JK had said otherwise, he'd actually said the words I love you Tae, and given him a ring.. His hand automatically went to the little band and he caressed it between his fingers.
But was it still the same love he had for him, now Bang had found out and threatened them both, Did JK regret that night, the ' date' maybe now he thought it wasn't worth it. Maybe JK had come to his senses and realised that Tae wasn't anything actually special.
Though these thoughts hurt he managed to not cry. He wondered if his mum was still awake, maybe now was the time to talk to her, now when he was sure he wouldn't cry.
