The Shine

Celebrity fight club 2

Watching part of Million Dollar Baby last night while I was trying to fall asleep it occurred to me that I could beat up Hilary Swank. I don't mean now, that wouldn't be very hard, she's in her late 40s and not training to be in a movie about fighting, I mean when that movie came out.

I should have identified with Maggie since she was poor, had a shit home life, and was trying to make it in a violent dangerous business where no one ever makes it. I didn't. Because Maggie isn't real, that was Hilary Swank. Hilary Swank is not poor, she's already made it. I don't know what her childhood was like. I can't comment on that.

If I showed up at a movie premiere or awards show and tackled Hilary Swank what are the chances I could get away with it by saying it was a wrestling angle? She'd deny it but I would tell the cops that her denial was part of the angle, that she was just protecting the business. I bet there are a lot of cops who like wrestling. They might buy it.

Since everyone knows wrestling is fake I wonder how long I could get away with stuff by using that as an excuse. Don't worry officer, it's all part of a storyline we're doing, Hilary Swank is not really hurt, that's fake blood. You know how us wrestlers have vials of fake blood on us all the time. I'm not really stealing this car officer, it's an angle we're doing.

Michelle Rodriguez was in a boxing movie, I bet I could take her. I wonder if there's any female celebrity I couldn't fight to the finish. Has Ronda Rousey done enough movie work to be considered a celebrity? I wouldn't want to mess with her. Although she hasn't fought for real in a while. She may not be so dangerous anymore.

Gina Carano hasn't fought in more than a decade, I bet I could handle her without too much trouble. One time a teenager came up to me after a show to tell me how great it was that I was a woman who kicks ass. She talked about how awesome and tough her hero Gal Gadot is. I doubt Gal Gadot is anything to worry about IRL. I'm confident I could kick the shit out of Gal Gadot easy. I don't care if she was in the army.

I googled toughest female celebrities and another name that came up was Milla Jovovich. Doubt it. Charlize Theron? No. Zoe Saldana? She's tiny, I could crush her. There's a bunch more but none of them seem tough to me. Whoever made that list is basing toughness on doing your own stunts. I'm not sure how falling on a crash-pad is supposed to make you tough.

One of the people on the list of tough ladies is Stacy Keibler, which is laughable. She was a wrestler technically, but her main accomplishment in the business was dancing on tables and taking her clothes off. Which I am not denigrating, I'm no slut-shamer, I'm just saying she was a softcore stripper not a fighter.

After that I started wondering if Jon Cena is attractive. He's built, obviously, but his head is kind of weird.

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