The Shine

Carry on

It's hard to say things are going well when I live in a car and have three pairs of clothes. I'll say things are back to normal instead. It feels wrong.

I've heard people talk about survivor's guilt. I guess that's what this is. People in the comments have said that there was nothing I could have done. I don't know if that's true. It doesn't make me feel better even if it is true.

I used to feel close to death all the time. I got used to it. Sometimes I didn't care if I died. I've never had to deal with someone else's death before. Not really. I remember a guy talking about his dad dying and he said that he expected the world to end. And instead nothing happened. People just did the same stuff they always did. That messed him up.

It's like that. A girl was murdered. And the murderer got away with it. And the world just keeps on spinning like it doesn't matter. It makes you think that nothing matters.

I remember the guy in church once saying that people who do bad stuff and people who don't do anything to stop those people are the same. I think he was talking about abortion but I'll ignore that.

I tell myself not to think about it if it upsets me so much. But that seems wrong too. I feel like I should be doing something. Maybe I just watch too many movies. Maybe in the real world you can't save anyone.

Last night was my final show before the bare-knuckle brawl in Biloxi. I'm going to take a week off. That's plenty of time to train for a legit fight, isn't it?

The professor and I have been keeping in touch. I told him about Bessie Love and some of the stuff in Royale's notes and journals. He's researching to see if he can find out anything that could help us learn more about their adventures. He's a professor so he should be good at that, right?

I had a dream last night that the Asian girl found him and killed him. In the dream, she sent me a picture of herself sitting in his chair in his office grinning with his dead body on the desk in front of her. Was it a dream or a vision? She knew when I was coming back to Lyons. How did she know that? Maybe she dreamed it.

Maybe that's how it works.

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