The Shine

I came here to tell you about the rhythms of the universe

I detoured to meet up with Josh/Dan/Mustafa in Cincinnati. His drug/sex/music cult was having a get together and I wanted to see what it was about.

The cult man giving the seminar looked like he was into drugs but is not someone I would touch with a 10-foot sex pole. His music credentials remain unknown. He looked more like a roadie than a musician.

Far be it from me to tell anyone how to run their cult, but I think it's pretty standard cult practice to have the recruitment done by the more attractive members. Why did they have this wet hairball as their frontman?

The Children of God knew how to get it done. Their whole pitch was to send out their most bangable members to sex people up and convince them to join. I just realized that's probably why my cult never took off. That stings a little.

In the opening pitch the roadie said "music is the oldest and most powerful form of magic in the world". I held up my hand asked him if he meant that literally or if he was being poetic. Like how people say the heart is the strongest muscle in the body but they're talking about determination and not giving up rather than the actual muscles that make the heart go.

He did the customer service smile covering up annoyance. What he didn't do was answer me. There is a story in the bible about someone playing a harp to kill a magician or wizard. They were always doing that in bible. God really doesn't like magic.

It did get me to thinking. I can see how you could use everyone singing in unison as a focus for ritual magic. Really anything that grabs people's attention will work and singing is something people like to do anyway so it's a good idea.

The roadie continued with his spiel and I asked other questions. I was trying to get to the bottom, is this a real magic cult or normal bullshit cult? After a couple more interruptions, I was asked to shut up or leave. But in a nicer way. Sort of.

So I don't know if these people do magic or if they're just a boring normal cult that takes your money and enslaves you. Probably the second one.

Afterwards Josh/Dan/Mustafa was annoyed that I had embarrassed him in front of his cult friends. I would make a joke about how I'm so unlikable that even a cult doesn't want me but cults are actually fairly selective in their recruitment. They're usually looking for a very specific kind of person. They waste their time on just anyone.

One of those old sitcoms with no plot had a joke because the bald guy was mad because the cult wouldn't try to brainwash him. He was assuming that cults take anyone they can get. It's not like that. Sorry bald guy.

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