The Shine

Unmasked

I did an interview. No one has ever asked to interview me before. They said it was for a British wrestling magazine. There can't still be wrestling magazines, can there be? Maybe they meant an online magazine. Must be because of Kinross retiring and me being her partner in the tournament, a few people want to know who I am.

The woman interviewing me looked like SoCal Val. Or maybe like Maria Kanellis. I get those two mixed up. I don't think it was a very good interview. She asked me how I got into the business. I told her about being homeless and how I started hanging around Doug the Disco Biscuit's gym. She was interested in my life on the streets. I told her it sucked. What else is there to say?

After I got off the phone with SoCal Marie, I headed to a show in Des Moines. One good thing about driving all the time is that it gives you time to think. One bad thing about driving all the time is that it gives you time to think.

I usually listen to books and podcasts. I never really went to school, I try to educate myself a little. If I'm thinking instead of listening, I'm thinking about wrestling. Or magic. Things I should or could do. I don't spend a lot of time in self-reflection normally.

I decided to spend a couple hours thinking about who I am. What I think at the core.

What I found was confusing. Being a person is challenging.

I'm bitterly lonely sometimes. The other day I was trying to think up a new word for when you desperately need someone to help you but you have no friends and you're not rich enough to have sycophants. But I don't like being around people.

In one of those dumb superhero movies, a naked blue guys screams "LEAVE ME ALONE" and then murder explodes a big crowd of people around him. I feel like that more often than I feel lonely. People aren't even talking to me or paying attention to me, but having them close to me makes me feel like I'm on pins and needles.

Loneliness is funny. It makes you desperately want to talk to someone and be their friend, but it also makes you want to shove them away violently. Like a dog that's been abused, it wants you to reach out your hand. But it also wants to rip that hand off.

I listened to a book by a woman talking about how she used sex to feel powerful. I find that distasteful. I was trying to think of a way to say that that didn't sound judgmental. But I couldn't because it is judgmental.

I shouldn't talk shit because I probably do the same thing with violence. Some wrestlers get bitchy about having to lie down. I don't care. Maybe because I think in a real fight, I would destroy my opponent.

I guess that's how I make myself feel powerful. Even in my forays to MMA and "real" fighting, where I lost badly, I think to myself, in a real fight I'd win. Those were sports. Sports haves rules. Jacqueline Gutiérrez can outbox me, but in a real fight, without rules, I'd win. Julia Williams knocked me out but that was in a context with a referee, in the real world I'd bust her up.

There's a part of me that feel likes no one can hurt me. That I can handle anyone. That part of me, when I see someone better off in life, or prettier, or popular, or richer, or whatever, is saying "Come on bitch, try me, just fucking try me, then you won't be so happy."

I'm not proud of it, but it's there.

Deep down that part of me that thinks if I just find the right person and beat the shit out of them, and I mean bad, that somehow that will make the world a better place.

There is no such person. Even if there was, beating someone doesn't make them a better person. Usually the opposite. One of the kids who I used to have issues with, I broke his nose and kept punching him until something happened that made him go blind in one eye. Didn't make him not a monster.

But if punching isn't the answer, what is? I guess no one knows. If they did, there wouldn't be so many unhappy people. Like one of my foster people said "You let your guard down for one second and life will fuck you right in the ass". He said that if you don't take a stand, you'll get washed away. But take a stand against what? And how?

There's no reason life has to be that way, but we keep doing it anyway. I guess because we're afraid.

So that's what I've been thinking about.

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