The Shine

What does it mean to be happy?

This is going to sounds seem like a melodramatic cry for help. Or begging for sympathy. Or a virtual scream for attention. I don't think it is. I have a lot of negative personality traits but being an emotional vampire isn't one of them. I don't think anyway. You tell me.

I don't really know what it feels like to be happy. I don't think I'm depressed or traumatized. I just don't know what happiness is. When I get some money in my pocket I feel a sense of relief. That's not what happiness is I'm certain.

I don't think I believe in therapy, but I would be interested in what a therapist would say about me if we talked for a while. Like they do on Law and Order when someone crazy commits murder and they want to lock them up.

I watched the episode the other day where Dr. Olivet sets herself up to get raped twice in order to catch the guy. That's pretty fucked up. That's commitment to justice.

I've heard wrestlers talk about how they're addicted to the rush of being in the ring. Probably why so many of them also get addicted to the rush of heroin and meth as well. That is not my experience. I like performing but I don't love it.

I've heard heels talk about how much they love when people hate them. I've never felt that. I'll be honest, I do like upsetting wresting fans. When some asshole in the crowd is being an asshole, I like messing with them. What I really want to do is punch them. I don't think that's happiness. Or if it is, it's not a good kind.

Does magic make me happy? Maybe it was starting to until my colossal failure with Eterno. Magic is supposed to be a sacred thing. I'm supposed to protect people. Instead people get hurt. People died. All I really use my magic for is scamming wrestling fans.

Probably why I can't seem to reliably do it anymore.

I watched a video that said you can't fulfill any emotional needs until all your physical needs are met. Maybe that's going on. Maybe until I feel like I'm safe having enough money to live, I can't worry about anything else like happiness.

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