|| third installment of "habit series" ||
Calista Fernandez loves coffee and art above anything else. Though she's living a well-off life, her mother was very against her dream of pursuing arts. While she's being forced to take a course she never wa...
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Those two questions haunted me every day and every night.
I know that asking me if there's a problem is just normal. He just wanted to make sure that we're okay so I know that he means no harm with that. It didn't haunt me that much.
But when he asked me if I still loved him . . . the universe knew my heart sank.
"K-Kapag tinanong ka ng tao kung mahal mo pa ba siya . . . what does it mean?"
It's been months since Frieda and I had a talk. Ngayon ko lang nabigyan ng oras ang sarili kong tawagan siya dahil hindi naman din ako makatulog. It's been a week and Fierro and I settled the issues already pero hindi na talaga siya nawala sa isip ko.
"'Tang ina, nasa ibang bansa ka ba?!" bulyaw niya sa akin. "Alam mo ba kung anong oras na, Calista?!"
Napaawang ang bibig ko bago tumingin sa wall clock. Napangiwi ako nang makitang pasado alas-tres na pala.
"S-Sorry."
Narinig ko ang malakas na pagbuntonghininga niya at ang kaunting tunog na parang gumalaw siya. "Ano bang problema?" mahinahong tanong niya. "Nag-away ba kayo ni Fierro?"
Natahimik ako ng ilang segundo at inalala kung nag-away ba kami n'on. For the past months that I stayed here in Manila, we rarely fought. Kaunting arguments lang na naaayos kaagad since we listened to each other always. We always demand for an explanation at hindi namin shina-shutdown ang isa't isa gaano man kasama ang loob namin.
"Hindi." I chuckled. "Madalang na madalang kami mag-away."
She sighed once again. "Why would he ask you that? Hindi ba parang ang offensive? O ako lang?" Hindi ako nakasagot. "Ano bang naramdaman mo noong tinanong ka niya niyan?"
I looked back to that day when I heard him ask me that. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before answering her question.
"I feel . . . guilty."
If there is someone I cannot lie to aside from Solari, it was Frieda. Hindi ko kayang magsinungaling sa kan'ya. She can always see through me even though we're just talking like this—on the phone. There's no point in lying when I need an honest answer for whatever I'm feeling right now.
"So, may problema nga kayo." I gulped. I couldn't answer. "Why would you feel guilty over something like that? Unless hindi mo siya mahal."
I laughed in disbelief. "Mahal ko si Fierro."
"Then, bakit ka magi-guilty?" I couldn't answer because I don't know what to say. "May nagawa ka bang mali sa kan'ya?"
I sighed. "Wala. Wala akong ginagawa." I gulped once again. "It's just that, I know I'm becoming distant since I started living here. Becoming a doctor is so hard, I couldn't even find myself to relax anymore. I want to always be with him pero sa tuwing magkasama kami, pareho kaming nakasubsob sa pag-aaral. Even before, noong nand'yan pa ako at nandito siya . . . subsob na siya sa pag-aaral. And now, I understand that I shouldn't feel upset before because there is no way that he could be with me comfortably when studying here is this hard."
