|| third installment of "habit series" ||
Calista Fernandez loves coffee and art above anything else. Though she's living a well-off life, her mother was very against her dream of pursuing arts. While she's being forced to take a course she never wa...
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I couldn't stop myself from crying after what happened between Fierro and I when I went home the next day. I don't regret giving my all for him. I'm also not worried that I might get pregnant because he was really careful throughout the process. I don't regret a single ounce of having sex with him.
But my heart aches so much because not a single emotion that I want for him was back. I still feel indifferent and now, because of what happened, it's clear to me that there's nothing you can do when your heart is the one who voluntarily gave up.
My feelings for him were shallow. With a single tragedy that happened to me, my love for him was shaken.
"I had sex with Fierro," I told Frieda a week after, when she went to Manila for school purposes.
"Tang ina, hindi ako dumaan dito para sabihin mo sa akin 'yan, ah!" bulyaw niya sa akin habang kumakain kami sa restaurant. Tinawanan ko lang siya. "I mean, alam ko namang normal ginagawa ng mag-jowa 'yan pero kailangan mo pa bang i-announce sa akin? Eh 'di sana pina-billboard mo!"
Hindi ko na napigilan ang malakas na pagtawa nang dahil do'n. Iritang-irita talaga siya, eh.
"Hay, nako, Alexis Frieda Madrid."
Sumimangot siya. "Tang ina mo pala, porke maganda pangalan mo, eh!"
Tumawa ako. "Maganda rin naman pangalan mo." Ngumiti ako sa kan'ya. "Pero bakit ba Frieda ang gamit mo? Mas maganda ang Alexis."
Nagkibit-balikat siya. "Basta." She sighed. "So, ano na? Ano nang point bakit sinabi mo pa sa akin na nag-sex kayo?" tanong niya bago naghiwa sa malaking burger na nasa harap niya saka ito sinubo gamit ang fork.
Humigop ako sa iced latte ko. "It was our first." I chuckled in disbelief. "And I can't believe that I'll be doing it with him just to make myself fall in love again."
Umawang ang bibig niya. "Tanga ka ba?! Bakit gan'yan ang ginawa mo?!"
I sighed. "I'm desperate. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Next week, second anniversary na namin. I want to celebrate it the way we did. I want to be happy, celebrating it with him. I thought that giving him something that big from me would make me want to hold on for him more—to make me love him again the way I did before. Pero hindi." My eyes heated as I looked down. "I desperately want to love him again but there's no use."
I heard her heave a deep sigh as she leaned on the back of her seat. "Cool-off. Baka you need some time apart."
I looked at her with my blurry vision because of the tears that's pooling. "Time apart?" I laughed. "We were apart last year and we rarely see each other in a month, Frieda. Kahit ngayon, hindi rin naman kami nagkikita at nagkakasama araw-araw kahit nasa iisa kaming university at department. I don't think that some time apart will make it."
Tumango-tango siya. "I understand. Then, do what I told you before. Bigyan n'yo ng oras ang sarili n'yong dalawa na umuwi ng Tarlac at puntahan ang mga lugar kung saan kayo palagi pumupunta noon. Maybe you could find the love that you lost in places that made you fall in love with him."
