Please Don't Give Up- [Shanexoc]

Chapter 21 Fight

It was the next day, Ian didn't want to move a muscle but he had to. He forced himself out of bed, getting ready before going to do farm duties. He couldn't sleep on like the other was doing. After he was gone whit it, he went upstairs, throwing himself in the bed besides his partner who was watching tv. He buried his face in the pillow, the older sat up, petting his back.

Shane: How are you doing darling?- the other groaned in response - You know I can't understand you when you don't use your words.

Ian: Just feeling shitty ok?- he said, finally rolling over and looking at the other.

Shane: Can I help you in any way?

Ian: Yeah actually.- he said seating up- Would you mind buying me pads tomorrow?

Shane: Ok, but why won't you do it?

Ian: Shane, unlike you who they've known forever and was living whit your aunt I, a man they don't know from anywhere that until now lived by himself buying it. People would clock me. And God I'm not gonna allow them knowing...- his voice lowered, him muttering the next- I don't want to be hate crimed... Again...

Shane: You were hate crimed?- he asked sympathetic, putting his hand on top of the other.

Ian: Yeah... But let's not talk about it ok? If I let those bad memories in I'll spiral.- he said seating up.

Shane: I sometimes forget you've had it worse then me.

Ian: Shane, don't. Don't compare our traumas alright?! And I've said, I don't want to talk about it. Trans people like me are often only represented in media for some sort of trauma porn. I don't have to tell you shit, has well has you don't have to tell me shit. Our trauma should be discussed in therapy, not in a random Sunday! So I'll tell you more whenever I feel like it if I feel like it at all!- the younger went silent, seeing if the other would even dare to try and bring it up again. Yet when the older spoke up, it had nothing to do whit what they were talking about it.

Shane: Do you want to cuddle and watch a movie?- the younger raised an eyebrow, the other realzing what he said- Not a code for sex. I'm to exhausted for that...

Ian: Oh ok....- he said before laying besides him, the older's arm around his waist.

Good old fashion comfort wasn't what the other wanted. It served has a mere distraction. Shane wanted to get drunk. Not the kind that leaves his head fuzzy and made him happy. No. He wanted the destructive side. The black out drunk. So drunk that his feeling's didn't feel like an issue. So drunk he wouldn't think twice about jumping into the abyss of his depression, burn all the bridges before taking his life. Shane wanted to ruin himself. All because in his little head he wasn't good enough to be happy. He couldn't be happy. He couldn't allow it. If he did he wouldn't have anything to cover up his horrible way of being. The other's were collateral damage. He only stopped himself because of it. Him being dead, him destroying himself didn't matter. His suffering didn't matter. It had reason, it had porpoise. Other's people's suffering? It mattered. Hell, that was the whole reason he was still alive right?! Because after his suicide attempt he realized that he would impact the people he loved.

I wish I didn't care.

Because if he didn't care he could finally be happy. He has never has happy and euphoric has the day leading up to his suicide. He wanted it back. He wanted the sweet release of death. And hell if he couldn't get it, he wished to drink. Let him indulge in his addicton, in his self destruction until he could do it. He sighed before leaving the bed leaving the other confused.

Ian: Where are you going?

Shane: Does it matter really?

Ian: It does.

Shane: I'm going on a walk.- he said before leaving the bedroom.

Ian: Alright? Have a good walk?- he replied confused the other leaving the bedroom and heading outside.

He walked to the saloon spending a few hours drinking there, until his mind was finally at ease. He walked back to the house, not caring how he wrecked of alcohol and going over to the bedroom. He laid besides Ian who immidiatly noticed the other.

Ian: Shane you went out to get drunk?!

Shane: Ian it's my decision fuck off.

Ian: I know it's your decision that's why it worries me. How long have you been sneaking beers for?

Shane: I don't have to tell you shit.

Ian: It's been a while then... I thought you were better.- that hurt. That hurt a lot. Both Shane and Ian.

Shane: You?! You thought?! You're pretending like you don't know what I am?!

Ian: Being an alcoholic shouldn't define you.

Shane: Just, shut the fuck up please. I want to go to sleep.- he said almost seating on the bed the other speaking.

Ian: Oh you're not laying whit me.- he said tears forming in his eyes, a bit of though love was probably what was needed but this situation had him so nervous he didn't know what to do- Go to the other bedroom. I can't believe you'd do something like that.

Shane: Fuck off Ian. You just want me around because I fulfill a need you have, not because I'm a person.- the others chest tightened, his tears flowing down his face.

Ian: That not it...

Shane: Yes it is.

Ian: Ok, I can't, Shane get out of my bedroom. Get out.- he said in the verge of sobbing, covering his mouth.

Shane: Why?

Ian: I-I can't deal whit this. Just go. Go to the other bedroom. I-I can't.

Shane left the bedroom, Ian closing and locking the door, before his anxiety all came out. He was heavy breathing, crying, sobbing, he couldn't breathe.

Ian: T-this all m-my fault. I-I made him r-relapse.... I-I'm a terrible b-boyfriend...

That was it. Ian couldn't take his mind from this now. Blaming himself for everything bad that happened to Shane. He had been avoiding this all along, blaming himself for the other's mental state, but now? Now he couldn't stop himself from doing it. How long was the other suffering in silence? To long. He could've done something but be didn't.

Ian ended up spending the whole night overthinking, not being able to sleep, just crying, but not enough to cry himself to sleep.

I hope you enjoyed the chapter if so please comment your thoughts and vote.
Much love!!

-MissevilXD