Losing to your Touch (Touch Series #1)

17

I saw how his anger turns into shock. Pinilit kong kumawala sa kaniya. Hindi ko alam kung nagpaubaya lang ba siya at hinayaan akong makawala sa bisig niya o sadyang nanghina siya sa nalaman niya.

“If you were a rape victim, you’re not a virgin anymore. That guy took your virginity...” he mumbled.

Nanuot na naman sa akin ang galit. Tanga ba siya? Hindi niya ba naintindihan ang sinabi ko kanina?

“Yes, Mr. Hansen. I am not virgin physically. But I want to considered myself as virgin after what happened—before we fuck each other.”

My tears fell down. My heart hurts so much. My breathing is so fast.

“I was raped. I have never had consexual sex, not until we did that. For me, I gave my virginity to you. For me, you are my first. For me, I was willing to give myself to you even I was drunk. Ginusto ko ’yung nangyari sa atin, pero ’yung panggagahasa sa akin ay kahit kamatayan hinding-hindi ko matatanggap.”

Nanghihina na naman ako. Parang hinihigop ng bawat salita niya ang lakas ko. At para ding inaalis sa akin ng bawat salita ko ang lakas sa katawan ko.

He’s silent. He’s just looking at me. I don’t know what he’s thinking. Siguro nandidiri siya sa akin? Dahil ginahasa ako noon tapos may nangyari sa amin noong nakaraan. Baka ayaw niya sa gano’n?

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko at huminga ako nang malalim. Matapang ko siyang tinitigan.

“Rape is not sex. Just because that jack wad stuck his dick in mine does not mean I am no longer virgin. Sex requires consent: no consent, no sex. I hope you understand what I wanted to say to you, Mr. Hansen,” I said.

I saw him gulp. His lips parted but words didn’t come up in his mouth.

“If you’re thinking that I am crazy for insisting that I gave my virginity to you when in fact I was raped, go, I don’t care anymore,” I said.

“Letter...” he called me.

I look straight in his eyes. “But I want you to know that I did not give myself to that fucking rapist. I was assulted. What happened to me was beyond my control. I gave myself to you, I consider you as the first man who took my virginity. Kung ayaw mong tanggapin iyon, sige lang, pero hayaan mo akong isipin ko na gano’n kaysa isipin ko na sa rapist napunta ang una ko.”

I turn my back after I said that. Hindi ko kayang magtagal sa lugar na ’to. Gusto kong umuwi muna. Pakiramdam ko bibigay ang katawan ko ngayon habang naglalakad. Gusto kong umiyak pero walang luhang lumalabas sa mga mata ko.

“Letter... I’m sorry...”

Patuloy akong naglakad at hindi siya pinakinggan. Nakapasok na ako sa elevator. Nakita ko siyang humabol pero hindi na nagpumilit na sumama sa akin sa loob ng elevator. Unti-unting sumara ang pinto nito habang si Alpha ay nakatitig sa akin. Naputol lang ang titigan namin nang tuluyang magsara ang pinto.

I texted Aubrey. Sinabi ko sa kaniya na kay Dra. Garcia niya ako puntahan. Pupunta ako ro’n hindi dahil naka-schedule ako. Gusto ko lang may makausap na makakaintindi sa sitwasyon ko.

“Letter? Why are you here?” Dra. Garcia asked.

I went in. Wala naman siyang pasyente. Dumiretso ako sa upuan na madalas kong inuupuan noon kapag nandito ako.

“I talked to Tita Matilda yesterday,” I started.

Tumango siya at umayos ng upo, handang makinig na sa sasabihin ko.