C͓̽L͓̽U͓̽B͓̽ P͓̽A͓̽R͓̽A͓̽D͓̽I͓̽S͓̽E͓̽

16

I been calling Onika for the longest. She didn't come back last night, so I fell asleep. Something in me is saying i'm gonna be upset, like I feel it deep down. So I just stopped calling and started to get ready to leave.

This is why i'm trying to make us official again. I can't take this shit. I'm already knowing she be showing interest in others, but I don't do too much because I know....where we stand.

It's like we want to be with each other. Maybe me more than her, I don't know. But I try not to get so mad since she already told me what she was doing when I very first came back.

At least she admits it.

I grabbed my phone and crossbody before leaving the house. It was a good day so I decided to drive myself. Julius obviously close behind. I'm just gonna go chill with my mom and sister today. See what they're doing.

When I pulled up I sighed before getting out. Onika said the balloon release would be today at 4, so i'll head back to her house around that time. I wouldn't dare miss that. Plus i'm sure if I did, Onika would not fuck with me again. I've messed up enough.

Going in Mamas house I went straight to her room. She was lying down with her rollers in her hair and that night gown. Need to get her tail up. It's the weekend that's probably why she laying around like this. Everybody know that Tina be up with the sun on any other day.

"Mama."

"Hey my baby. Good morning."

"Good morning." I laid down next to her, cuddling into her side. She kissed my forehead but made me look at her. Already knowing she's waiting for me to tell her what's wrong. My mama can read me better than anyone else can. "I think Rosemary messing with other people."

"Oh Beyoncé...." She sighed shaking her head.

"Well...she told me she was when I first came back, and over those years she told me she wasn't gonna keep waiting for me. So im not surprised but it just hurts. That's the love of my life."

"Do you. Live. You too young to be trynna settle down baby."

"But Mama I love her. So much, I don't wanna be with anyone else."

"That's understandable but you gotta give her time and space. Don't keep chasing when she's gonna keep running. Eventually you'll run out of breath and have to stop."

I turned away from her and looked at the tv. I'm not thinking about leaving her alone. Yea I messed around those years I was gone but I always called Onika and let her know it was just her. Sounds stupid but that's just what I did. She did the same only thing is that I didn't know she was messing around until I came back. Not that it really would've mattered to know because we're not actually together anymore. I just want us to be.

"Explore Beyoncé. Stop trying to pour yourself into someone that's not filling their cup with what you're giving."

Here she go being motivational. I didn't want to hear this at all. All I want is Onika. I know she loves me and won't give her all to anyone but me. It just pains me to know that someone else has what was once all mine.

Mama didn't say anything else about it so I was glad. We watched tv together until Solange came in looking half sleep. She laid right on me and closed her eyes back.

"I knew I heard your voice."

"Goodmorning."

She nodded going back to sleep so I stayed quiet.

Helping Mama cook is always a hassle for me. I be trying, I really do. But it's just a lot that's confusing. Like i'll do it but then it's always wrong. Which is weird because they'll do the same thing with no problem.