Atonement?

E: Taking up time on the plane. T: ecstatic

Date: March 16, 2013

T: ecstatic

We're heading back to Texas! Woot! Finally! Lol I can't wait to get there. I'm so tired. We only. We one day before we get back to school but that's alright with me. We're going to get our second bags on Monday. That's where I'm put all of my souvenirs lol. I smiled when I got online over there and saw the reads went to 19k.

I'm really happy about that except the only thing that bugs me is... What did I write in there? xD I totally forgot. Haha and each time I try going back to read something I just done have the vibe for it. Like... There are a lot of misspelled words or even wrong words in there but shoot. None of you cared. Lol that's what I loved the most but it bothers me that it's like tact because that's not what I meant to say.

I talked to Lilly before the trip and after on the phone. I talked to her the first time when I had a panic attack for the first time. I didn't even know why that was happening. It sucked because years wasn't racing. My stomach and half of my head was burning and I couldn't stop screaming. Lustryess hugged me but I tore her away and started to punch the wall and sadly it got so bad that I tarted to punch myself. Lustryess then took the phone away from me and told her that she would give the phone back to me when I was done with what ever it was. It didn't take long. Apparently, it took a couple of minutes for me to get over it every time. I told lily that I was sorry and I would try hard to do that again. She said all I had to do was put her on mute if it was going to be that short. I laughed then. I remember. I gasped Nd the laughed because it felt like I had been screaming, punching, and gasping for air for 15 minutes but I had ony been doing those things for 3 minutes.

I didn't think about it then but I feel bad now that I think about it. Lustryess wrapped her arms around me from behind and Esther head on my back while I was on the phone with Lilly. I slowly moved out of her grasp just in case I had another one of those attacks but all she was really doing was just trying to tell me that it was alright. Opps. Once we get off of this plane I'll tell her that I sorry and that I love her. She'll probably be like: okay? Um. Awkward random brotherly love... N then stand there without hugging me Black and then after i done shell tackle hug me when I'm not paying attention and scream: Twin sister love attack! roar! She quays covers my eyes for some reason when she does things lie that. I don't know why. I have yet to know why girls do that. Like... Why are you covering my eyes? You going to rape me or something?

Right now I'm sitting next to one of the trumpets in the band. He's the second chair and a senior. He's really amazing. His names Marc. W have jazz band together. He's one of the many that has inspired me from the start. Him and that conceded trumpet player that I mention in the fir book. Haha. Opps. Reference. Lol don't worry at the moment I can't hint of his name. I'm listening to lost in you.

That bring me back to talking to Lilly. I talked to her and admitted a lot of things. It was overbearing I couldn't hold them I because I figured if I kept talking I wouldn't panic again. Eventually, when Lustryess wanted to go to sleep she slipped her hand in the one that I wasn't using for the phone, Lilly said that she wished she had a brother like that but she only has an awkward sister that bugs her all the time. Oh yea did i mention that Lilly and Marc are related? Yea, they're cousins lol. It's pretty cool. My best friend freshman year was pretty much the whole senior class but Marc's brother Sante brought time under his wing.

Now that I keep getting off of subject I want to get back to talking about Lilly lol. I like how this family has really made moments for me. The things is... Between me and Lilly... There was this post that I saw on tumblr that said statics show that if two people can be friends after being in a relation they re either still I love or were never in love in the first place. When I had first told this to Lilly she said that's only true if the two felt the same. I could hear the coldness in her words. I don't know why I continued tot a to her then, I think it's because I knew this would happen...

Anyway, when we talked that first night I told her a ton of things until 2am in the morning. That seems to be the time for our calls to end.starting at 12 or 11 and ending at 2am. Not that I realize it we talk a lot. Or more like... I talk a lot lol. She just replies. When she talks though I love it because then I can just listen for once. That normally doesn't happen when I talk to people on the phone.

That night she told me good night for the first time in ages. And I can literally say that because we didn't talk for a year and up until now I couldn't get her to talk to me Ina full blown conversation for more than a couple of text messages. When she told me that I was gladly texted her good night in replay.

The next night I called her again. This time it was because I knew there was something wrong that or she was trying to tell me something and she wasn't. So, I called her and asked her want was wrong. The only thing that I got out of her was, "The other night...." And after that the conversation consisted of me assuring her that it was alright, that she could trust me, and that she could take her time. Those comforts came 10-20 minutes apart. Eventually, the connection went out. That happens between us for some odd reason. It only happens when I talk to her. N matter which phone number I get lol. I think it's her phone. Anyway, her replies were pretty amusing when I assured her. She laughed the first time and then said its not that I want to tell you and it's not that I don't trust you... Then it was, I do trust you...I- don't go there Dj please. She then proceed to call me James. It was a little new for me from her considering when she was around she never really said my name in the first place. But anyways. The she told me that she would tell me. She didn't. That night anyway.

Once the connection when out I texted her. I knew how she would react to it but I said it anyway. These were my exact words."Im sorry but I have to say it. I love you okay? Is alright."

When she replied I spoke the words I knew she would say, "Don't ever say that to me again." And sure enough, when I open my phone and read the text I laughed and there the words were. I told her good night and that night she revered to "night."

The next time I talked to her was in New York. It was 12 when I called her. 12am. But since I was in New York it was 11 over there. I felt jealous. To her was talked from 11 to 1 but for me it was 12 to 2am. We probably would have called for longer if e connection wouldn't have gone out. T_T apparently, I have talked for her for at least 16 hours. I dont think about our limited minutes plan. I just realized that. Lol well I can blame it on my mom or own thing. Oh well. Anyways. That night when I talked to her I told her how I felt so outcasted. The whole time I hung out with my friend who was going out with this chick. By that day (yesterday) I was already fed up with my friends girlfriend and how she controlled what we did. He agreed with me but he wouldn't do anything about it so every time I left to go to get something or to just be alone because I didn't want to be by people I would get in trouble. Due to the fact that I got Lost the first time. I ended up getting to a point where I just got so annoyed with myself and everyone else that she stepped in and said that she didn't want me to give up. Never. She told e that between me and Ben I was perfect from the beginning. She said that even though it took us forever to get back and talk to each other I was still there the whole time. She got mad at me for crying for what other people thought. She asked me why it mattered. I couldn't think of a good enough reason.

The thing that she wanted to tell me was that I still mattered to her and that she didn't want to loss me. These statements were basically reruns from when we were in a relationship. I made her life worth living. I dont think twice about the nice things I do. I just do them. That was another thing in New York that got me. But anyway, she told me that I've done so much for her and yet I'm still doing things for her. The least she can do for me is make me realize that. I was speechless then. I just laughed and smiled. I tried to think of an argue meant like in the past it I couldn't think of anything, if anything, I was and still am tired of arguing. So I just left it where it was.

We're about to land now. I think I've wrote all of this all in an hour, I would want to talk about Marc and Sante but I can't at the moment lol. I'll go ahead and mention them in the characters. I sensually need to go through and fill in who all is in this book and the last book Xd I don't eve know how I've mentioned.