imagines | javon & ashtray

self harm - ashtray

tw: chapter may be sensitive topic for some!!

quick note:
personally i have never harmed myself, but i wanted to write this chapter to encourage people to talk and to spread awareness on the topic.

there is so many things i could say about this topic.

my dms are open, i'll be the person you can vent to without worrying if you are going to be judged. if you need to vent in comments, go ahead!! there is no judgement here. i can promise you that things WILL get better, eventually they will.

recommended song:
rescue - lauren daigle

12:00 am

sobs echoed through my bathroom, as my head was held into my hands. i glanced at the lighter, wanting to do it again.

"stop" i whispered to myself, a memory of my therapist repeated in my head.

"whenever you feel the need to harm yourself, pull on the elastic band to distract you"

my hand pulled at the elastic band at a fast pace, watching as it hit my wrist over and over.

"journaling, write down your feelings, draw a picture that represents your feeling, write or draw anything, let it all out on your journal"

a sniffle exited my nose as i picked my self up, grabbing the lighter and chucking it into a my draw.

my finger flicked through the pages of my journal, finding a free page. then off i was, writing away my feelings.

___

sometimes it's like i'm not being listened to, so much to the point where i feel alone. i worry about my boyfriend. will he leave if he see my burns? will they scare him? will they put pressure onto him?

i'm so selfish.

i wish all my problems would just gracefully leave me, i wish i stopped harming myself, i wish i had the guts to tell ash about them, i wish these thoughts would stop roaming my mind, i wish, i wish, i wish.

all these wishes and nothing seems to change.

my problems don't leave, i haven't stopped the self harm, i haven't built the balls to tell my boyfriend about these horrid scars, and the thoughts never seem to leave me alone.

make it stop.
___

next day 10:30am

i woke up to sobs coming from the end of my bed, my eyes fluttered open. now glancing at my boyfriend as he sat at the end of the bed..

with my journal in his hands.

fuck, fuck, fuck! i must've left it on my desk last night.

"ash it—"

"how long?" he whispered, his teary eyes looked up at mine. his eyes were filled with genuine worry and sadness. "how long y/n?"

his emotions were enough to get me crying, "months now" i fully admitted to him. more sobs came from him, this time louder.

"why didn't you tell me baby?" he looked up, trying to push his tears back into his eyes.

my head shook at his question, knowing the reason  was because i was scared of how he'd react. "can i see them?" he asked as i refused to answer his other question.

quickly my eyes shot at him, am i ready for him to see them? maybe it will help? what if he breaks up with me for this? what if?—

"baby please" he whispered, his hand placed onto my leg. slowly i lifted myself out of my bed, my hands grabbing onto the waistband of my sweatpants.

a deep sigh exited my nose, as i mentally prepared myself for this. slowly i lowered my pants down revealing my burn marks exposed to him.

his eyes looked at me with worry and horror, "why?" he brang himself to my legs. "my beautiful girl, why?" he looked up at me.

"i don't— i can't—" i sobbed throughout the words, shocked at his reaction. who knew ash was so affectionate and caring.

i lowered myself down to him, my head staying down, refusing to look into his eyes. his hand cupped my cheek, kisses were placed on my forehead.

his hand lifted my head up, "you give me all your pain..you give all that pain to me, all of it" he leaned his forehead against mine.

we were both ugly crying, like majorly.

"i love you y/n y/l/n, i love everything about you" he placed a kiss onto my temple.

"i don't deserve you" i whispered to him, hugging him. "i love you so much ash, thank you for being there for me" i sobbed like crazy.

"i love you more baby" ash sobbed aswell, "my love grows for you everyday" he sobbed.

i could feel my heart mend at his words, these words i never knew i needed to hear.

those words were all i needed to hear.

_____
a/n: sorry for this emotional chapter, but i thinks it's good to talk about the topic.

but just remember that you are loved, you are beautiful, you are worth it! i love every one of you guys x