𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐃

a fresh start

ellie's pov:

i laid on the bench of my favorite park, light droplets of rain sprinkling dark spots over my light grey hoodie.

it's been a month since my last attempt. i need to think of a new plan, a fresh start.

my notebook has been sitting in my lap for almost an hour now, i can't think of a way to put this.

clicking my pen a couple times i began to write whatever was on my mind.

december 7th, 2033

it's been exactly a month since my last attempt, i know i should be happy to still be here like a normal person but the truth is i'm not. not one bit.

i don't want to die, but i don't want to live either. i simply just want the pain to stop. it's all getting to be too much, i'm not sure how much more i can take.

six more months, perfect. i'll still have time to graduate like my parents have always wanted.

not that they'd show up, i'm sure they couldn't give less of a fuck about me if i'm honest. me succeeding in school or anything for that matter just gives them something else to brag to their coworkers about.

only half of a year until i finally get what ive been craving for god knows how long; peace. i won't let anyone or anything get in the way of that.

six months.

— el.

i shut my notebook with a sigh, throwing the rest of my stuff back into my tote bag. the sun is starting to rise and i still haven't slept, i can't seem to get my mind off of dina.

i know i shouldn't like her, in the end i know i'm just going to hurt her.

it's taking everything in me not to tell her that i don't want anything from her, and that she should stay away.

i've liked her for years, loved her at that. but sometimes we love the wrong people.

not that she's done anything at all, it's a me thing.

if i somehow fail at this attempt she'll think i'm stupid, that i'm selfish. that's what they all say.

she's planning to come over later today to complete some project for a new class we're taking together.

not by choice, she somehow found my schedule and switched her elective to mine. i haven't spoken to her at all today, i wonder if she's thinking of me as much as i am her.

my stomach has been roaring since i got here, i haven't eaten in a couple days.

i started gaining weight after my parents went shopping, and my cravings have been going crazy since. i'm sure i can go another day, not like it would hurt anything.

ignoring the painful rumbling in my stomach i stood up, my head spinning.

i brought a hand to cover my head, wincing at the pain as i felt yet another headache developing.

hopping on my bike which leaned against the brick wall i pedaled away, using the last bit of my energy to get home.

the sun painted the roads a bright orange as i finally reached my mailbox, checking it.