𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐃

a wonderful experience

dina's pov:

i've been rotting in my bed for the past week, with ellie gone everything feels like a blur.

staring at my phone for hours i waited for that simple 'hi' text, yet i know that if sit there and wait for a response i'd be waiting forever.

"didi?" my sister called from my locked bedroom door, knocking a few times. "yeah?" i reply, and she slowly opens it.

she had a small black box, the wording on the top read 'converse' in white ink.

"what's this?" i ask, finally getting up from the position i had been laying in for days.

"not sure, el's mom dropped it off this morning." was all she said before shutting the door behind her.

"el's mom?" i raise a brow as my fingers brush atop the dark box, taped shut with cat washi tape.

i'm sure i know what's inside, yet i'm too scared to open and confirm for myself. i've seen this box before, just the top half at least.

this is gonna hurt.

i sat the box aside before finally sitting up, wiping the single tear escaping my eyes as i did.

my bed is still riddled with the smell of her perfume, no matter how many times i wash it and spray a different scent it'll still be there, still lingering throughout the strings of polyester.

there's no way to escape it. not that i want to, but because i can't heal if i continue to hold onto the little thread of hope that's somehow still there.

the hope that she'll barge through my door and jump on top of me like she always did, smiling ear to ear as she bombards me with kisses.

i still watch my door in case she decides to walk in, snapping me out of this horrible dream.

finally, i got a call.

"what?" i say, noticing it was my mother. "hey, go get ready for the funeral." she sighs.

i guess i was so out of it for the past week i completely forgot about the funeral, it was only a couple hours away anyway.

quickly getting up i grabbed the dress ellie had picked out awhile ago, i guess it was for this occasion.

a small low-cut black dress paired with fishnets and ellie's heart necklace which i had took from her without her knowledge. she's gonna know now i guess.

it was a bit revealing for a funeral if i'm honest, but i know ellie would freak out if i didn't wear it on my last day of seeing her.

throwing that on i headed to the bathroom, i haven't looked myself in the face for weeks. my eyebags were practically black now, my face was thinner than usual.

"it's whatever," i thought to myself as i slapped a blob of concealer under my eyes and called it a day.

i finished with some light mascara, followed by a thin layer of lipgloss to make my lips pop.

"you ready?" my mom calls from the end of the stairs. "mhm." i hummed back, shutting off the lights and heading downstairs.

i didn't say much that day, mainly because my mind was screaming louder then my ears could handle. i can't quite comprehend that ellie's really gone, and that i wasn't there to save her.

making my way to the car i threw myself in the backseat, i'd normally sit in the front i didn't want anyone to see me crying.

the funeral was about an hour away, i'm sure i'll just sleep the whole ride there but it's whatever.

—

it's now 2pm, i was woken up by my mother shaking me to get out of the car.

looking up at the tall white church beside us i felt tears form in my eyes as i struggled to keep my composure.

people dressed in black and yellow walked in, i assume the yellow was for her favorite color or something. who wears yellow to a funeral? anyway.

i was the last to walk in, immediately upon arrival i was handed a small white pamphlet with her graduation photo on the cover.

i admired her for a moment, how could someone so beautiful possibly be going through something so disgusting?

"didi, come on." my sister talia tapped my arm lightly. "yeah, sorry. let me put this down." i say before running to catch up to my family.

we had front row seats, closest to ellie. they were reserved with our individual names on every seat.

i couldn't see her though, everyone crowding the coffin made it almost impossible to peek through.

i sat beside her mom and dad, her mom struggling to catch her breath as she cried her eyes out. her father on the other hand didn't seem to care at all.

he always had this blank expression on his face. not if anger, not of guilt. he didn't smile, he didn't frown either. he was kind of just there.

looking over to my side i saw abby, her parents on both sides of her. she was crying too as she held a small red elephant watering can.

"that's random." i chuckle, pointing my sister in her direction. "shut up." she whispers back as a tall, tan-ish man steps up to the podium.

he takes a deep breath before loudly clearing his throat. "first off, i just want to thank you all for coming." he began, a single tear noticeably falling down his cheek.

"we gather here today to celebrate the life of 17 year old ellie williams, a spunky, yet beautiful young girl from boston, massachusetts."

i feel my throat start to burn as i wait for my turn to go up and speak, i prepared a speech last night for this.

i seemed to zone out after a bit as the man said a little bit of everything. her career, her personality, her looks. he seemed to be flirting with her if i'm honest.

"finally, i just hope ellie was aware of everyone that loved and adored her as she passed away. and for those of you thinking about it, suicide is never the solution. thank you." he smiles before stepping down.

my mom tapped my shoulder, looking up at the now empty podium. "go on." she said handing me the folded piece of notebook paper which i had written my speech down on.

anxious, i approached the podium, taking a deep breath as i pulled out the letter in which i wrote the night before.

my throat began to feel tight as i read the first couple of sentences.

"ellie was my first love. i'd like to remember it that way. i'll never forget the way her fingers locked perfectly with mine, how she'd bury her face into the crook of my neck every time we hugged, how my hands cupped her face perfectly, almost like that was their only primary function."

"i would give anything in this cruel world to feel that again."

my voice broke as i tried my hardest not to burst into tears, it felt so wrong actually saying this.

"part of me is still trying to convince myself that she's still here, that maybe she just ran away and is yet to come home. to me, she was my home. the person i went to when i felt as if the entire world were against me. the person i cried in the arms of when things got a little too hard to deal with."

"the person i let see parts of me i'd never show anyone else, home." i smiled.

sniffles and the sound of tissue boxes opening filled the room as i flipped to the final page.

"if i had to put it into words, i'd say loving ellie was a wonderful experience. one that i'll never possibly be able to look for in anyone else. and for that, i am grateful."

the room went silent for a moment, i stepped down as everyone began to clap. not for me, but for ellie.

i wish she was able to see how many people truly cared about her.

1,340 words.