𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐃

hope you're okay

ellie's pov:

it's january first, i woke up with yet another pounding headache.

winter break ends today, as much as i want to stay home and skip like i've been doing for the past couple of weeks i can't.

my parents are home.

i barely slept last night, maybe an hour or two but that was about it.

i sighed throwing myself out of bed and heading to the bathroom.

swinging open the door i looked at myself in the mirror for a minute, trying not to cry.

i looked like shit if i'm honest, my eyebags darker than they've ever been before.

"shit," i sighed, grabbing my concealer and splotching some under my eyes.

blending that in i finished with my routine, spraying my perfume and walking downstairs.

my dad was hogging the pantry as always, not that i could say anything about that but it's whatever.

i crossed my arms as i shivered beneath my jacket, my arms burning. the day after was always the worst.

the burning, the itching, the everything. i hated it. so much for a couple minutes of relief.

self harm feels so stupid now, what do i get out of it? like seriously, i wake up and feel the exact same.

i popped my earbuds into my ears as i walked out the door on an empty stomach, carrying the tote bag dina had gifted me.

the wind brushed against my face turning my nose a bright red as i turned the corner, heading to the sidewalk.

i passed by dina's house, what i was assuming her mom and dad sat on the porch side by side.

they waved at me, of course i waved back because i didn't want to be an asshole but deep down i didn't want to.

i want nothing to do with her right now until i can get myself together which i doubt will ever happen.

finally arriving at school i turned my music up so i could tune out the loud students, catching a glimpse of dina with her 'friend' group.

i've started to notice that whenever something happens between us she always goes back to them no matter what. that gives me more hope.

maybe my death won't mean as much to her then, i feel relieved.

passing by i headed inside, the teachers always let me go in early so i have some time to myself.

my first period was switched to gym for some reason, throwing a piece of gum into my mouth i headed to the double gym doors.

thankfully no one was there besides me, the silence bringing me comfort as i disconnected my headphones.

"hey ellie," the teachers voice echoed from the other side of the gym. i smiled slightly as i waved.

he approached me, handing me a bright yellow folder. "just some make up work, nothing much."

he smiled, and i put the folder in my bag.

i'm sure he knew it wasn't going to get done but it was worth it to remind me of it.

the bell rang, the school got louder and louder as those stupid kids flooded the hallway.

i felt a sense of relief, mainly because dina isn't here to bother me. only problem is, her friends were.

i anxiously watched the door as students came piling in like their life depended on it, immediately looking away once i saw a recognizable face.