𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐃

june 16, 2034

ellie's pov:

extreme trigger warning! i know i put one in the beginning but seriously, please read at your own risk.
good luck, you'll need it😭😭.

i stared down at the drawer which contained my parents pistol, the one they use in case if a robbery. i checked to make sure it was loaded before carrying it to my upstairs bathroom.

this is the same bathroom i attempted in last time, the amount of bad memories i have in this room is almost impossible to count.

i reached into the medicine cabinet, grabbing whatever pill bottles i could find and throwing them into the sink.

i didn't read the labels, mainly because the amount of pills i had in my hand were surely enough to take me out at once.

i'm nervous. why am i nervous? i've wanted this for years, i can't back down now.

i sat those on the counter before heading downstairs where my mom was cooking dinner. my dad was fast asleep on the couch. "hey mom?" i call, and she shakes her head. "what now?" she asks, annoyed.

"i just wanted to let you know that i love you and stuff, that's really it. thank you for all you've done for me. i'm sure being a parent is difficult."

all she did was scoff and shoo me away as she picked the boiling pit of water from the oven. "so, yeah. i'll see you later i guess."

i then made my way to my dad, lightly tapping his shoulder.

of course when he finally woke up he acted like i had tried to kill him or something, the average dad reaction to be honest.

"can you not see i'm trying to sleep? the fuck do you want?" he sits up, a stern expression on his face. "i just wanted to say i love you, that's all."

"yeah whatever, now leave me alone. i actually work unlike you."

i don't know why that upset me so much, i should be used to them shooing me away by now. whatever.

i sighed making my way up the stairs and back to the bathroom, being sure to lock the door behind me. i sat a stool in front of it to make sure it was really in place before reaching into my cabinet.

i grabbed a single razor blade, twirling it in my palms as i grabbed each and every one of the pill bottles i had picked up earlier.

i twisted the caps off throwing them across the room as i dumped every last pill into my hand, being sure to leave none behind.

by now i have at least 50, there's no way i'm gonna fail this time. i hesitated for a moment as my mind shot to dina. do i really want to do this?

i've come all this way, maybe dina is enough of a reason to keep going. why give up now?

"i'm so sorry." i say to myself as i down each and every pill with ease, swallowing them whole. they kicked in almost instantly, my vision blurring as i climbed atop the counter.

there i grabbed a single blade, roughly dragging it across my skin once.

a strong feeling of regret washed over me as i dropped the blade from my aching hands, a small smile plastered across my face as i stared down at the puddle of red which formed beneath me.

the loud music that was once booming throughout the walls of the house became silent, yet the vibrations from the bass still shook my shivering body as my ears rung louder and louder.

"fuck," i whimpered as i turned the shower knob to the hottest setting, stepping in. my skin went from pale to red almost instantly, the steam fogging up the mirror in a matter of seconds.

my heart broke as i heard my dog whine from the other side of the door, it took everything in me not to open it.

the boiling water washing against my open wounds sent electric shocks throughout my body as the blood that was once crystal clear dyed a bright red, swirling down the drain as i let the shower head above me pour scorching water down my scalp and back until it was just too much to handle.

i felt my body weaken by the second as i sank into the bathtub, staring up at the ceiling.

it's all starting to make sense now.

maybe this really was my only option, for once in my life i felt a sense of comfort and peace no human nor animal was ever able to bring me. not even dina.

i'm not my true self, i never was. it hurt to watch her hang onto that little strand of hope that some day i'll get better.

she'll know i'm better off dead, no one or thing can hurt me anymore. i can't hurt myself anymore.

my vision went black for the final time as i felt my breathing slow, is it over yet? i can't quite describe this feeling.

and finally, i took my last deep breath. a small "i love you, dina." whispering out as i did.

i hope and pray dina's aware of how much i loved her. me dying has nothing to do with it.

it was never her fault.

she made my final moments memorable, to be honest with you i wouldn't have made it to that graduation stage if it wasn't for her.

she's helped me in ways i'm fully convinced she'll never know about.

dina deserved better than me, honestly. someone who isn't constantly making everything about themselves.

someone who will take her feelings into consideration rather than pushing her away when they feel anything other than nothing. dina did what she could to try and save me.

if only i had the strength to do the same.

and slowly but surely, day by day, i felt my time on this cruel earth finally come to an end.

june 16, 2034.