𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐃

never forgive myself

dina's pov:

i often think about the day me and ellie met, maybe life wouldn't be as shitty as it is today if i had just walked away.

maybe i should've kept my head down instead of looking for her, maybe my old friends were right when they said i'd end up getting hurt.

but that 'depressed bitch' they were talking about had a name, it was ellie.

a name that will always linger throughout my mind no matter how many times i try and replace it with something else.

yeah she was hurting, but so was i. and i would've never done that to her.

i saw the signs of her leaving before she even left, i was just so in love i got distracted and didn't care enough to take them into consideration.

how selfish of me.

it's now june 30, exactly two weeks since ellie left me. part of me wants to sit and wait around for her to come back, the other part telling me to move on already.

but grief is the hardest part of an ended relationship, it's just love with nowhere to go.

and no matter how hard i try and pour my heart out to someone else deep down i know it won't feel the same, my mind will always go back to ellie.

i miss the nights when ellie would hold me while i cried, then i'd do the same.

when i would wake her up with breakfast in bed just to see that beautiful toothy smile she only seemed to have around me and her dog.

the thought that i'll never be able to see that face in person again ruins me.

"you're zoning out again." talia waves a hand in my face, and i finally snap out of it.

"yeah, sorry." was all i said before turning her attention back to the minecraft server she's been forcing me to play in for almost an hour.

i used to love playing with her, hell i loved doing anything with my sister. i guess that changed after ellie left.

from the bottom of my heart i feel guilty for how i've been treating my family recently, i understand it's out of grief but still. they weren't the ones that hurt me.

but neither was ellie, that's why i say nothing makes sense anymore. it took everything in me not to go with her that day.

"hey tal? can we just like, play tomorrow maybe? i'm sorry it's just-" talia cuts me off, "i understand, go get some rest alright?" she pats my back with a soft smile.

all i did was smile back before heading to my room, shutting and locking the door behind me.

my phone has been blowing up with notifications since i shut it off the other day, i haven't touched it since. with an irritated sigh i rested my head on my pillow.

it feels so wrong to not have ellie in there waiting for me, with everything in me i wish she was.

i feel tears cover in my eyes as i snuggle into the fabric, i struggled to hold them in as i whined against the pillow.

my cat jumped onto my bed aswell, only this time i shoped her away. i can't bare the touch of anyone else other than my ellie.

why did it have to come to this? i thought i was helping her, little did i know i was only making it worse.

i'll never forgive myself for that.

601 words.