𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐃

just couldn't show it

dina's pov:

three years ago, today.

the day i lost ellie has been replaying in my head for god knows how long, my head is pounding because of it.

i hate that i didn't notice how close she was to me, or how tightly she squeezed my hand as we got closer and closer to her house.

how her breathing became heavier by the second as she anxiously fidgeted with the charms on her bracelets.

or how touchy she was just before she knew she'd be gone forever.

i get that she was trying to make the last few moments we were gonna have together memorable, but why?

i guess i was too distracted by everything that i completely forgot to recognize where it went wrong.

from the bottom of my heart i know i should hate her for this but i can't, it's hard to force yourself to 'not like' the person you love more than anything.

i wish we had more time together, maybe even a year at that.

her box is still sitting in my closet in the dark, i wonder if she remembers me telling her about that.

i can't bare to look or touch it right now, it just hurts too much. it's just going to sit there and rot until i'm able to bring myself to touch it again.

i still have the gifts i gave to her in a box in my closet aswell, i can't throw those away either.

i wonder if she was planning all of this, but just now found a way to put it into words. i'm proud of her for that, as much as i hate to say it now i'm proud.

it hurts knowing that the only real comfort i'll ever feel is from her.

nothing i do will bring her back, no matter how hard i try. no amount of gifts or sweet nicknames i call her will ever bring back the girl i once loved.

i've come to accept that there's nothing i can do to get her back. the real her, i should say.

not some clone of her that she thinks will make me believe that she's still here and in love with me. that she never really left.

she just needed time.

the sun is starting to rise as i packed a small bag for the day, i plan to visit ellie's grave for the first time since she had been buried.

it's been years, yet for some reason i can't bring myself to see her. is that wrong?

i wonder if she gets lonely just laying there by herself, i highly doubt anyone had visited her besides me. abby, maybe, but i heard she lives far.

grabbing my keys and a cold bottle of water from the fridge i headed outside, locking the door behind me and leaving a key under the mat for later.

"i'll be back." i shout to my mom as she watered the flowers in the garden. all she did eas smile and nod before turning her attention back to the plants.

the cemetery was about a twenty minute walk from here, i could just drive but i didn't feel like it today.

i passed by ellie's house on the way there, to my surprise the bunny stuffed animal i had got her was sitting in the window watching.

it wasn't there when i left, maybe her parents moved it? with a soft smile i snapped a photo, sending it to my mom.

—

i'm finally get her gravesite, the air seemed to cool down as i sat down beside her stone.

not much was said as i rested the side of my head atop the gravestone, running my finger through the engraved letters of her name.

ellie m. williams, 2017 - 2034

17 years isn't enough time. for anyone, really. she was just a kid and it's sad to see how much of her life she wasn't able to live.

"hey el," i finally say, admiring the beautiful engravement on her stone. there was a forest stretched along the bottom, i assume it was one she drew.

there were birds on the side aswell, doves i think. i'm not good with birds like she is.

finally, a small sketch of a moth with fern leaves falling down from it. pretty cool, honestly. i think i have an idea for my first tattoo now.

"your grave is beautiful, by the way." i compliment as i pulled out my phone, snapping a few photos before throwing it aside. "i'm sure you'd love it."

"and i'm sorry for not visiting you sooner, i just needed some time to process, you know? life has been so wack since you left me here."

my eyes swelled with tears as i looked up at the sky, a small raincloud forming directly above us.

"i should probably make this quick, it looks like it's gonna rain soon. remember that time we danced in the rain at disney? i wish i got that on video."

a tear ran down my face as i snuggled against the stone, imagining it was her.

"today marks three years since you left. i think it's time for me to move on, ellie. i sold the bunny stuffed animal we made on our first date to the mall. but the funny thing is, the people who bought it were your mom and dad."

"and it still sits in the windowsill of your painfully empty bedroom to this day."
i sniffle, wiping the tears from my face. "they really cared about you, ellie."

they just couldn't show it.

938 words.