Two Halfs of One Warrior • Obikin/Vaderwan One-Shots

Mace Windu and the Disaster Couple (aka The Two Idiots)

• Summary: Mace Windu has had enough. The two biggest idiots in the galaxy and their shatterpoints have given him far too many headaches, so he decides to take some actions and decides to fuck the Code and bring balance to the Force in his own special way.

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Mace Windu grimaced as he felt the onset of yet another headache -- his fifth one of the day.

It started with only seeing shatterpoints around Anakin. When the boy was knighted, the shatterpoints expanded to Obi-Wan. His mild headaches were now so severe that he felt like someone was pounding his head with a hammer that had kriffing rainbow-coloured lights on its handle. It was all those idiots' fault that Mace had a scowl on his face all the time now. Qui-Gon was bad enough when they were younger, for his friend also had a lot of shatterpoints, but Obi-Wan and Anakin were utter hell in comparison.

For the past year, the shatterpoints around them had grown brilliant. The fault lines in the Force used to only twinkle softly at him as they let him know gently of their importance like the stars in the night skies. Now? It was a kriffing supernova at every single point in the fault line as if the lights were now on a mission to blind him permanently and give him non-stop headaches.

It was bad when they brought him nausea; it was worse when he couldn't sleep or meditate.

This was why, as Kit Fisto kindly pointed out to him, he now carried a scowl everywhere he went and caused everyone to scurry away from him.

One day, he decided to focus on those bright shatterpoints. Through his headaches and nausea, he concentrated on what he could sense from them. Yes, the future was always in motion, but with them being so kriffing dazzling, surely he could glean something from them.

The only thing he managed to figure out was that the Force wanted Obi-Wan and Anakin to be together -- not as friends, not as the Team, but together. In that way. The way that went against everything in the Code. The way that brought naughty, unwanted images that made him want to bleach his eyes and brain. The image of Anakin on his back moaning prettily, as Obi-Wan slammed into him at a pace that surely put Anakin's speeder driving to shame was one he needed to erase immediately.

Sith's hell, Mace also needed a stiff drink or ten.

Not too long after, when both Obi-Wan and Anakin had returned to the Temple, Mace quietly observed them from a distance. His discerning eyes didn't miss the adoring gazes Anakin cast Obi-Wan's way, especially when the older man praised him. In conjunction, he caught the fond look in Obi-Wan's eyes while Anakin would coach Ahsoka in sparring techniques. Most especially, he didn't miss their longing, hungry expressions they'd give each other when the other wasn't looking.

It was . . . sweet, he supposed. But still nauseating.

These two idiots are not subtle. At all. If we offered dramatic arts here at the Temple, they would both fail, full stop.

The looks were bad enough. But then came their bickerings that reminded Mace of married couples who'd been together for years. Sometimes they bickered about their upcoming assignments. Other times, they bantered about the stupidest things in the whole galaxy. Case in point, he overheard them arguing about whether a cheese could taste green or whichever colour it came in.

For the love of all things in the Force, how the kark could anyone taste colour? And green cheese sounded quite inedible.

He wanted nothing more than to hit both of them with that hammer and its rainbow-coloured handle.

A few days later, as he was walking down the hallways, he heard their familiar voices. Unsurprisingly, they were bickering yet again about another topic -- something about blue milk tasting different from purple milk.

However, he stopped listening as he felt severe pounding on the right side of his head. He swallowed back bile as his stomach churned intensely. The shatterpoints attacked him for the tenth time that day, even more worse now that the two idiots were nearby. Gritting his teeth and scrunching his forehead, he brought his hands to his head and let out a loud angry breath as he felt something snap inside of him.

He stalked around the bend and saw that the storage room at the end of the hallway was open. Without warning, he used the Force to push and shove the two men into the room, completely ignoring their surprised squawks (Obi-Wan) and indignant shouts (Anakin). He didn't miss the smirk from Anakin, nor the "what the Force" look from Obi-Wan. At this point, he simply didn't care. Once they were inside, with a wave of his hand, he slammed the door shut and locked it.

"Enough is enough! You two motherfuckers will stay in there until you two idiots kiss! I'm sick of your bullshit!"

Kriffing hell. I just projected my distant relative, Essel Jaksun.

Instead of feeling shame at losing his temper and using Essel Jaksun's favourite profanity, Mace felt instant relief as he felt the shatterpoints beginning to dim from their immense brightness. A sense of tranquillity he'd not felt in ages came over him, and he took several deep breaths as he reached into the Force for some more of that peace he'd been missing.

When he looked at the closed door, Obi-Wan and Anakin's love glittered through the Force. As if he'd developed x-ray vision, he knew that the two were finally kissing. The Force felt just right as it blessed the two. Before he could relax, though, that love he sensed turned heated, radiating so much pleasure that he felt like his own self would burn from their intense feelings.

Mace decided to strategically retreat.

He did not need be here. After all, it was the perfect time to invoke the "see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil".

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Six months later . . .

Obi-Wan and Anakin were getting married, which Mace wasn't surprised about. What shocked him and nearly made him fall into one of the many fountains in the Room of a Thousand Fountains was when they asked him to be his best man, with Ahsoka as their maid of honour.

So shocked, that Mace once again projected Essel Jaksun. " . . . Are you motherfuckers for real?"

"Mace!" Obi-Wan chided.

"Aw, come on, Master -- I kind of like it when he goes into that mode. That profanity actually suits him," Anakin said with a smirk.

Mace took a deep breath before he could wipe that smirk off the very annoying motherfucking Chosen One. "Apologies."

There was a long silence before Obi-Wan said, "Do you accept?"

"Wouldn't someone like Vos or Plo be a better option?"

Anakin shrugged and announced in that aggravating sassy way of his, "They could be, but you're the one who brought us together. Don't tell me you forgot that storage room incident?"

"Anakin!" Obi-Wan exclaimed as he blushed hard.

"Come on, Master," Anakin retorted with a sulky expression. "It's the truth."

Before the two could get on with their infamous banter, Mace quickly interjected, "I'd be honoured."

"Excellent, my dear friend," Obi-Wan said with a pleased smile.

Mace didn't miss the soppy look from Anakin, and he quickly made another strategic retreat, but not without missing the joyful twinkling he saw in the shatterpoints.

This was why, when the Council started to complain about Obi-Wan and Anakin and their breaking of the Code, Mace unintentionally projected Essel Jaksun one more time.

"Man, fuck the motherfucking Code this one fucking time."

Everyone stared at him, and Mace just sat there and studied his fingernails, completely uncaring of anything at this point.

"Ignore, we shall," Yoda announced.

And that was the end of that. The wedding was beautiful, and if he shed a tear or two during the speeches, nobody dared say anything for fear of Mace channelling Essel Jaksun. Distant relative aside, Mace had unknowingly saved the galaxy, and it was all thanks to the shatterpoints that had made him suffer for years.