{Trigger warning: This story deals with a lot of serious topics and situations. Heavy detail is included. Ranges from sexual assault, domestic violence, abuse of psychical and emotional, self harm, and suicide. Read with caution, this is your only w...
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Sniffles and soft sobs escape me. Noises surround me but they seem faint compared to how they should be. I hug myself. I have for blocks. It's chilly out. I'm stumbling everywhere. Hell I pretty much tripped coming into the complex of the building. I slowly drop my arms and dig into my pockets getting to the house. I blink slowly and feel tired and sad. But also angry.
I dig deep into my pockets trying to find my key but eventually just fall forward into the door, squeezing my eyes shut. My head leans against the door. Tears squeeze out my eyes and I shake my head. I'm so dead.
My breathes go shallow in a way. I shake my head against the door and grab the knob trying to turn it. Open it. But it doesn't. I clench my jaw and shake my head against the door. I turn around and reach into my pockets, sliding my phone out. A low breath escapes my trembling lips. I barely can think and can barely understand what I'm doing.
I pull the phone out and in front of me. The screen bright but blurry. My fingers shake as I try to navigate through it before I see Andy's name on the screen and the phone calling her. My lips quiver and I squeeze my eyes tightly together as I place the phone to my ear. My back slides down the door to the place. All the way down till I hit the floor and bring my knees up to my chest. The call goes to voicemail.
"Hey this is Andrea Herrera. I can't answer your phone call right now, go ahead and leave a message," Andy's voice speaks through the phone. Afterwards a beep appears a I breath out, more like a low cry.
"A-Andy," I whisper, shaking my head. "I screwed up. I screwed u-up big time and I'm sorry. I can't get in the house... I lied about Caroline's house. I went to a party to experience a high school party and I hated it." My voice breaks, cracking. My tears sliding down my cheeks. I could feel myself weakening. Feel myself becoming more vulnerable and sick as time passes.
"I hated every minute of it and I saw things I didn't want to see. I... I drank alcohol and I shouldn't have. And I'm sorry. I'm so s-s-sorry. I... it reminded me of him. And the smell of the house and... It hurts Andy. It hurts. I'm scared and I'm sad. And I need you-" I pause tossing my head back, feeling it hit the door hard. "You're not picking up which means... Means you're on a call. I need you. Everything hurts, why does it hurt?"
The phone beeps and I slide the phone away from my ear, shaking my head. Both of my eyes shut together tightly. I sink my teeth into my bottom lip. I pull my head away from the door then slam it back. Everything did hurt. My mind was fuzzy. The smell of alcohol came from myself. The lingering smell from the party was still there. The image of Caroline with some guy was hurting. It shouldn't be hurting. She's a friend. I should want her to be happy with somebody. But why am I so... jealous? I'm not jealous. I'm upset. I'm angry. Why? Why? Why?
I slam my head against the door one more time feeling dizzy. My jaw clenches as I push myself up and almost trip over myself as I begin to walk. Walk where? I have no idea but I'm walking. I'm tripping over myself and all I can hear is his voice and see Caroline kissing that boy.
"No one could ever love you," his voice rings. Blood spilling out my mouth. I stare at him, barely awake. "You could try and love somebody but they'll never, never look at you in a way you want. No one will respect you. No one will crave you. No one will look at you and think that's my girl. You're pathetic. Ugly. Your hair is dirty. Your body is fucked up from cuts, burns. You're not even a virgin."
He begins to laugh. It echoes off the walls. It burns inside my head.
"That's y-your fault," I choke out. His laughter dies. His eyes narrowing, going cold.
"Excuse you?" He spoke through his gritted teeth. "You wanna try that again?"
I blink my eyes together as he lets go of my collar. I fall slightly and he reaches over grabbing his belt, putting the two ends together.
"It's my fault? It's my fault you're unlovable? My fault why nobody in this world won't give you anything? I'll show you attention Y/n. All you had to do was ask."
He takes the belt and swings it back. My eyes go wide and I turn my head, squeezing my eyes together. Instantly, I feel the belt hit me. A scream escapes my lips as I cringe up. I toss up my weak arms and feel the belt hit across them. I shake my head. Tears streaming down my cheeks as he keeps swinging the belt. Screams echo and bounce off the walls. I breathe heavily. Hit after hit. They began to get harder and harder but also sloppier. It hurt worse this way.
"S-Stop please!" I beg out in a cry. There was one last swing before he reaches forward and spins me around. He pushes me forward. I hit the wall and he places his hand on the back of my head pushing me into the wall harshly. My eyes shut tightly and I try to move but it hurts. Everything does now.
"You even move slightly you won't like the consequences," he says. He removes his hand off my head. Both of his hands reach up and he grabs my shirt. Instantly a tearing sound echoes now. I flinch at the roughness of him tearing my shirt apart. It hangs loosely to the sides. My hands cup together and I have no comfort. I'm shaking. My legs ready to give out. My knees ready to buckle and that's when it happens.
That first swing with the actual buckle itself hits my bare skin causing me to fall more forward into the wall. A blood piercing scream escapes my trembling, blood lips as another swing goes. The same sound escaping.
I squeeze my eyes shut and lean against a wall. My hand reaching behind me to my back. There were still scars from that day. Still some that didn't heal properly. Nobody's seen those. Hell I don't know if Grey Sloan Memorial hospital has even seen them. God, my life is such a mess. But maybe he's right. Maybe I am what he says I am. Maybe all these people are lying to me. How can someone love me? Of all people in this world I'm not one to love. I'm so broken. I am fragile. I am unlovable. Andy can't love me. I don't even love me. Fuck.
I push myself from the wall and look around. The streets didn't look familiar. I didn't know where the hell I was or walked too. I completely spaced out. How did that happen? I blame my mind. I blame the alcohol. I'm so stupid.
"Stupid-" I whisper out loud and turn back to the wall. My eyes look at it. Barely being able to focus on it. I heavy breath escapes my lips as I shakily place my hands up on the wall.
"Do it. Do it. Do it," a voice in my head speaks. It's soft but it's there and I lean my head forward, gently resting my head on the wall. A deep breath rolls out of my mouth before I pull my head back and fly it right into the wall. I stumble back and blink rapidly seeing black dots appear. Shit.
I push myself away and hear someone to my right. I turn my head and reach up to my head, poking at my head. I flinch at the first touch and then pull my hand down. My head dropping a bit seeing red on my pointer and middle finger.
The voice shouts again and when I pick up my head. I lock eyes with a stranger and that's all I see before I fall to the ground and darkness takes over.
