Into the Flames {Station 19 x you}

sixty-three: progress

"You're zoning out on me again," Diane says as I blink. I lift my head and meet the woman's eyes and kind smile. I nod my head and shift in my posture, slowly leaning back in the chair. "You okay? Andy said you've been through a rough patch recently. You told me everything was okay."

"Yeah I told you that. I lied," I say, letting my eyes trail off of Diane and onto the floor. My arms cross over my chest. The image of Caroline's blue eyes burn into my brain. The thought of her and Joey together infuriates me, but what am I supposed to do or say to it? I broke up with Caroline. I influenced that. But have they always felt that attraction? Am I just stupid?

"You've been drinking, you've been getting high," Diane slowly eases into the conversation. I nod slowly. "Can I ask why?"

"To numb everything," I respond nonchalant. I shrug and lean my head back against the chair. My eyes go up to the ceiling now of the chief's office. "It worked for a minute then everything came crashing down. Harder."

Out of the bottom of my eyes I see Diane nod her head up and down. Her eyes not leaving mine. I feel tears well up and I clench my jaw.

"I wanted a choice. Something to have a decision about but when it came down to it I don't think I'm in the right place to make any decisions," I admit, lifting my head and locking eyes with Diane.

"Everyone is more than capable of making their own decisions. Your situation's different however. You know it is-" Diane pauses and nods, shifting in her seat. But her eyes don't leave mine. "You might feel like you shouldn't be making decisions. You were brought up in a way that was harsh. Ways that were traumatic and probably deep down your still trying to decipher what to believe and what not. That's why I'm here. Why you're mother and now your father are trying to help you. You don't have to figure it out alone Y/n. I know it seems like you don't have options, you don't have choices. But you do. You get to chose how we can help you. Who helps you in certain situations. That's your choice. And at the end of the day, it's your choice if you even want our help. We'll try but Y/n, it's your choice whether you want that help or not."

"It doesn't feel like that's even a choice," I say, sitting up, dropping my arms from my chest. I cup my hands together, leaning forward. "The look on Andy's face when I'm struggling. The look on Jack's face. On Ryan's. On anybody's face. I don't have a choice but to get help. I feel like I should owe it to myself to also get the help. Why wouldn't I?"

"Well there's the million dollar question...Why wouldn't you feel like you should get help?"

I stay quiet for a moment. My eyes shift back and forth between Diane's. My shoulders shrug and a low sigh escapes my lips. "I just don't see how you can fix something that's already broken. You can't use super glue. You can't just tell me to feel better that I have people that love me now. Sure it helps but maybe I'm too damaged. Hell I broke up with my girlfriend and she went and hooked up with our friend. What if no one can ever truly love me for me whenever I find out who that is?"

Diane's eyes go wide and I drop my head slowly. My heart racing. My head rolling with thoughts. I couldn't stop thinking. I walked home in the rain after backing away from Caroline. She didn't come after me. She just said my name and I kept walking. Mind you, yes it was raining but damn it I wish she would have ran after me.

"We know who you are and we're learning who you are still," Diane lightly says. "You may not know who you are but you'll figure it out. We all have. It just takes time but Y/n you're loveable. You're not broken."

"Then why's it physically feel like it?" I ask, looking directly at the woman's eyes. "I mean, come on Diane. You all look at me like I am. Stop being a good therapist and just say what's real. I need someone to be real with me for once. Just once to make it feel like I'm not crazy!"