Into the Flames {Station 19 x you}

fourty-six: barely surviving

I pick at the bandage on my arm. The one Jack put on too tightly then had to cut off and redo. He didn't talk much and I didn't mind it. The silence was okay but it was also hurting. The voices in my head, the voice in my head was killing me.

"Cub?" Jack says and I stare out. People gathered around. I sat at the edge of the ambulance, just staring. Jack beside me, packing up the equipment he's let just sit there. "Hey listen, you know you can talk to me about anything? About the system, about whatever's on your mind. I care about you kid. A lot."

"Why?" It comes out like a breath. I turn my head, seeing the man fumbling with the zipper bag. He lets it go and he turns, leaning against the back of the ambulance next to me.

"Why do I care about you?" He questions. I only shrug, turning my head away. My eyes lingering back on the ground again. "Because I see myself in you. Ever since the day I brought you your bear and Andy brought you to the station. I saw you and I knew you were going to be special to all of us. And to be honest with you, you are. Every single one of us at 19 love and care about you. Not because you're Andy's kid but because you're family. You will always be family to us. Since day 1."

Tears slide down my cheeks.

"None of us will ever be able to understand what you've been through, but we want to try. We want to help you. That's all Andy's been trying to do. She's not hurt because of you cub. She's hurt because she doesn't know how to help but she's trying. You don't have to understand what you're feeling or how you're feeling it. You just have to... let people in. It's hard. Extremely but it helps when people are around. When you have people to support you, to believe in you, who love you. All of us do. Andy does.

Even if you're terrified to let somebody in. You know we're not going to hurt you. Not like you've been hurt. And you know that."

I turn my head, closing my eyes. Silence takes over the two of us. I clench my jaw and shake my head from side to side.

"Are you okay Mija? Is she okay Jack?" Andy asks, sniffing as she does. I open my eyes and turn my head to lock with Andy's tired, sad ones. I look down. Jack's words playing, dancing around in my head like some ballerina group.

"It didn't go deep. Just enough to pierce the skin. She'll be alright. I believe in her," Jack says, gently placing his hand on my back. I tense briefly feeling him lift his hand a bit but I could still lightly feel his hand. After another second he removes his hand and stands up from leaning. He shoves his hands into his work pants pockets and nods.

Nothing is said. Jack walks away, around the ambulance leaving Andy and I alone. Slowly I lift my head. My teary eyes lifting to meet Andy's. She tilts her head to the side and drops her arms from her chest. She extends one of her arms and motions her head for me to come on. Hesitantly o slide off of the back of the ambulance and walk over. The moment I get to her, her arm drapes around my shoulders, pulling me closer to her. We walk back into the apartment complex. Neither of us speak. My mind doing all the talking. It's mostly Jack's words from before Andy walked over. And my own mind trying to deflect everything he said. But he's right. There's no denying it. It's hard to not see that station 19 was, no is a family. And they welcomed me with open arms. They're not like anyone I've ever met. They're not people from my past. And Andy isn't the foster parents from my past. It's completely different.

For starters she's kind. She's welcoming. She's warmth. She cares. And she's my birth mother.

"Okay..." Andy breathes out as we enter back into the home. I walk in, her arm dropping from my shoulders. I wrap my arms around me, hugging myself. My eyes dance around the apartment and I hear the door shut behind me. Andy walking around me, but stops beside me. She gently places her hand on my back and guides us over to the couch. She helps me sit that I didn't really need help with but once I'm sat she stands up straight. Her brown eyes looking at the ground before she finally sits on the coffee table across from me. I raise a slight brow at her as she grips the edge of the coffee table.