Into the Flames {Station 19 x you}

fourty-five: nightmares and sadness

I jump awake, flying up in the bed. Arms wrap around me instantly and hold me, tightly but comfortably. A humming begins as my chest rises up and down rapidly like someone beating on drums. I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment till I turn my head and pop open my eyes. They instantly lock with Andy's concerned brown ones. The moment our eyes lock I sink into her arms and wrap my arms around her. The crack of thunder makes me jump but she securely holds me, not easing up at all.

"You're okay," I whisper, mumble even as I feel her hand on the back of my head.

"I'm okay baby," Andy whispers back. "And you're okay."

I don't say anything back. I just sink into her arms. The only place that feels comfortable right about now. It's honestly been months since she's hugged me. The last time she did was at the hospital. Other than that it's just been a hand on my shoulder or back. This feels right. Feels normal.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Andy whispers, her hand gently releasing from the back of my head then pressing back down on it. There was something about the pressure that was enjoyable. Comforting. I couldn't quite place it, but I know I liked it.

"I don't know," I whisper in response.

"We don't have to, but it obviously was a lot-" Andy pauses dropping her hand from the back of my head and placing it on my back. Her hand beginning to move in circular motions. It's soothing though. "You were shaking and screaming in your sleep Mija."

I feel my cheeks burn but feel sick. No doubt the color from my face drained and I close my eyes.

"It wasn't a dream... It's just a memory," I whisper. Andy continues to rub circles on my back. Her other arm still wrapped around the front of me, holding me close.

"Memory of what baby?" Her voice is so soft, so kind. I close my eyes, flashes of him hurting Andy floods my brain and I shake my head. Tears forcing there way through my closed eyes. I feel sick and push myself away from Andy. I slip out of her embrace even though it hurt to leave. I feel the tips of her fingers brush my skin as I rush to the bathroom and close the door. It slams. My heart racing as I lock the door.

"Y/n! Y/n baby what's wrong?" Andy asks at the door. My heart pounds. I hear it more than Andy's soothing voice. I hear the door knob jiggle. Both of my hands come up and cover my wet eyes from the tears. I bite my bottom lip roughly, tasting blood as the images overtake my mind.

"Y/n why is the door locked? Baby, baby open the door!" Andy shouts through the door. She tugs and pulls at the door as I shake my head. Tears slipping down my face rapidly. My breathing has increased. It hurts. Everything aches.

I drop my hands from my eyes, opening them up. My vision blurs. But I step forward and open drawers and cabinets. Rapid knocking appears at the door. The door knob juggles but it doesn't open. I finally land my eyes on the one thing that I've tried to not do since that basement. The one thing that made my body look scary. That made my body hurt and crawl. But it was the one thing that made me feel sane.

I reach forward and take the razor blade into the palm of my hands. I back up, my hands fumbling with the razor. I take the blade out and toss the other parts.

"Y/n! Mija please!" Andy shouts, her voice concerned. Panicked as I shake my head. "Baby please, let's talk!"

"I-I-I can't!" I finally shout. "I can't- I won't keep hurting you!"

"Y/n sweetie you haven't done anything to me!" Andy pleads. I stare at the blade in between my fingers that I grip tightly. "You are an amazing kid! One that I am loving more and more with each day that passes by! You have so much potential Y/n and I want to be able to help you find yourself! Help you through whatever you're going through but you have to open this door!"