Deep Thoughts (ghost x female reader)

Dark times (chapter 19)

Tw- thoughts of suicide and mentions of scars from the field.

A/n- remember y'all are worth it , suicide is never the answer. People love you and you'll find your people , it may feel all lost but think about the things you'll miss out on. Think about all the things you can do in life and if you think no one loves you , I fucking do. I love all y'all and y'all make my day better and I know many of you enjoy reading. If y'all ever need help or need to talk to someone I'm always here and I love y'all. Remember you are worth it and you are love , you the best human and even if you've had ups and downs your still worth it and can work throughout it. If you've made a mistake just look back on it , you can't change the past but you can in the future so just make sure that you'll do better in the long run. Love y'all and enjoy the chapter ❤️

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You eventually all made it back.

The helicopter coming to a halt as it steadied in one spot trying to land on the launch pad that lied on front of base. It was still dark and windy out as it was late and your exhaustion was not letting up. The air is thick with a feeling of relief as you approach the landing pad, the exhaustion seeping in still as you saw the pilot ease the helicopter onto the tarmac, feeling the rush of the cold air as you land and are finally at base.
You've been waiting to be here and quiet frankly you can't wait to just get into your quarters and shower and try and get some sleep in. You didn't care about eating at the moment but all that filled your mind was the desire for sleep.

As the helicopter is now landed and settled the roaters stopped , still slightly spinning as the engine had come to a close. you step out as the copter door slid open , the gentle chill of the air causing your skin to bump up again from the change in temperatures and you let off a shiver as you jumped out and onto the ground, the others following in suit. You looked seeing base up in front of you , the large building where you've spend a lot of your time in. Soap standing next to you now  seeing you move slightly side to side , seeing just how bad the exhaustion is let off a small sigh knowing just how much you didn't sleep well.  Ghost also didn't forget about the panic attack you had during your time in the safe house as well. He never mentioned it but he knew that there was more to you. He was curious but he knew the same way he wouldn't like someone in his business so he didn't bother with asking.

"Well we're home know."
He joked lightly with a small smile as he looked at you , his smile dropping a bit as he saw you with a tired expression and a fed up look.
"Shut it mactavish....five minutes."
You muttered and his small smile returned a bit.
"Alright cranky pants let's head inside."
Soap chuckled and the others started walking ahead and you followed behind keeping quiet.
"Head inside , will discuss more tomorrow at the briefing with laswell. Be up by 7. As for now all of you hit the shower and rest , especially you l/n."
Price spoke , looking at you as he mentioned the last part and you gave a small nod as you headed inside from the hangar , seeing other soldiers working around going about their nightly patrols making sure everything's in check.

You walked through the halls ; the long line of fluorescent lighting causing your eyes to squint a bit as your eyes adjusted to the change in dark to light lighting. You stretched and walked over to your quarters , soap follwing behind like a lost puppy and you turned around and glared at him.
"Do other things than follow me."
You huffed out and he smirked:
"Yeah okay cranky pants , because checking in on your friends is so bad."
He says sarcastically and you rolled your eyes as you opened your quarters door. Not many for private quarters , only many few did as others stood in a barracks together but the only thing that was together was the shower rooms but you had your own shower which wasn't an issue.

"Go away."
You shook your head before walking into your room and shutting the door behind you leaving soap outside by himself. Ghost walked down the hallway past your room and as he did so he saw soap and let off a annoyed sigh.
"Soap leave her alone , and remember what I told you."
He muttered as he past and soaps eyes narrowed.
"What's your issue L.T?"
He confronted and ghosts eyes narrowed.
"Is that insubordination I hear?"
Ghost said in a level headed voice , using his rank agaisnt him. Soaps eyes widned as ghost his ranking and he muttered.
"No sir.."
Soap sighed.
"Now head off like price said , that's an order."
Ghost added before walking into his own personal space, leaving soap truly alone in the hallway.

You stood in your room and you started to un strip from your gear. Lifting the heavy vest off and above you onto the floor , the weight lifted off your chest and you stretched out your soar muscles as you went and placed your gear down in your closet locker. You untied your boots and threw them into the corner of your room as well as taking of your helmet with it. You took off your dirty and sweaty shirt , pants and underwear leaving yourself bare as you were preparing to shower. Goosebumps littered your body as you were out and bare and you felt the little hairs on your body stand up. You shuddered and thought of Those moments when you had woke up and panicked , it still lurked within your mind as you thought of the memory. Those moments where you felt vunerable and ready fearful. The way your heart beated in your chest and the way ghost had called out to you breaking you from your thoughts as you were in the safe house bathroom.

You sighed as you went and walked into your bathroom , turning on the water stepping in immediately not even bother with waiting for the water to heat up. You stepped in and stood under the shower head  , the cold icy water trickling down your body running over your still tense muscles. You titled your head up now letting the water run down on to  your face and down your chest. You wondered if you'd ever break away from the military but that's all you know. That's all you ever knew but it made things worse. You wondered if you'd just die on the feild one day. You weren't bothered by death much , he was a freind and someone you knew very well. You've seen death a lot , weather it was through it your younger years and weather it be now. You've seen blood and loss and you weren't scared by it. You didn't have much to live for so you really didn't care if you'd die now or later. Life felt a bit meaningless to you but you kept moving forward feeling you had not much of a purpose but to serve and be in the military. You didn't have much , life felt mixed and very off and you still dont have much to live for. You didn't care if anything you wanted it to come sooner.

For your sake was empty and will was lost for you didn't know what's the cost. Light would enter that dark void soon for you had someone that cared about you too. You didn't see it and none would admit for that at hand was greater than wit.