Case by Case Love

Chapter 31: Memory Influx

"I want to thank you once again, personally," Deputy Miller states as she reaches out to shake Jay's hand. He easily offers his right hand with a shake and nod in response. 

To him, this whole ordeal was being blown out of proportion. He was just doing his job. His job was to serve and protect the people of Chicago. He was doing that by ensuring the city did not get blown up by someone. He also had not been in perfect, in allowing Clark Henderson to leave without a trace despite his own convictions. What if he had not been caught? What if he had gotten away with the murders of those girls? 

"He's pretty dang awesome, eh?" Kelly Severide joins the group, wrapping his arms around the shoulders of both Jay and Erin. Erin could see Jay wince a little at the motion as Kelly put his arm around the left side. She almost wished she had chosen to stay by that side of him in knowing how tender it was right now. 

"He is when you are not helping him cause havoc and get away with stuff," Hank comments, as Kelly could not help but chuckle in response. He remembered what led to the last time they teamed up. He remembered how he had helped Jay chase after a suspect that he was not supposed to be, due to his father being in the high-rise fire that was caused by this person. He did not regret it as he looked back. He did not believe any other person in Intelligence would have spotted or caught up with the man with how they were positioned. "Otherwise, he's getting shot and you are getting in trouble. But I will admit - you both work well as a team." 

"I heard you led him through a lung procedure while he was trapped with a victim," Erin adds, trying to put a positive spin on the conversation. 

She could tell the previous comment from Hank had stirred up another batch of memories for Jay in watching the eyes alone. She had left town by then, but she had heard he was shot in the process by the suspect - yet another scar left behind. She wondered if that was why he was falling into the memories trap. 

Or maybe he was thinking about his father. It was not like they had a great relationship. He blamed his father for not being there while his mother fought, and died from cancer. He remembered having to go pick up his father in the weeks that followed, because he had gone to the bar to try and drink everything away. It did not go appreciated, though. 

"Your brother should have been here," his father told him one night. "Your brother is a doctor. He would have known what to do for Ma. Not some little frail boy like yourself. And you think you're brave enough to fight for your country? You are just hoping to put on a better image while killing innocent people. How is fighting a war going to help people? I bet you will get scared and just bunker down in hopes of not getting shot. You're going to get yourself killed!" 

"You were so wrong about that," he whispers to himself quietly, trying to erase away the batch of memories that seemingly flooded his brain all at once in the simple mention of his father. That seemed to always be one of the triggers when it came to his panic attacks. He knew why, not that he would ever share with anyone - not even Will.

"How about we go home now, dad?" Jay asks his father one of those late nights at the local bar, as it was already 20 minutes past closing time. "Let me take you home, clean you up and take care of you."

"Take care of me?" His father questioned as he stood up before his son, his balance swaying from the influence of the alcohol. "The same way you took care of your mother, right? You just held her hand, watched her close her eyes and leave us. She shouldn't had died! I only have one son, Will, and he would've saved her! You just let her leave!!" 

Jay feels his eyes wet, wishing more than anything he was anywhere but at a formal function. He already knew what was going to follow. Tears. The same tears that had fallen the night his mother died. The same tears that fell each of the nights that followed with her father. The same tears he ran away from - it was the only reason he had returned to Afghanistan for a second tour. 

"Excuse me...." He lets out quietly, backing himself away from the circle as he hurries away from the group of people. He hears a couple officers try to get his attention - a pair he trained with in the Police Academy and Ryne who he knew from the gangs unit. He ignores their pleas, rushing as quickly as he could through the room to the hallway. 

He then makes his way to the first bench there, sitting on it as he takes a deep breath, willing himself to do think about anything other than those painful memories. He should not be reliving those on the night that he was being recognized for his service. This would be one of the greatest nights for any other officer.

"Why did you hurt me all those years?" He asks himself as he sees memories of his childhood flash through combined with the memories of the weeks after his mother died. Why were they so crisp and easy to see? 

"Jay..." He hears his name, followed by a pair of hands clutching his hands. His eyes were open. He could see the brunette before him and knew who it was immediately. It was the one person who knew a bit about what he had dealt with. Maybe that's why they worked so well together. They had stories of their childhood and parents to tell. Without the words being spoken, they both knew what the other was going through. He could see in her eyes that she sympathized with him. "This isn't our scene. There's a reason we don't do these things. Let's go home, and relax, together...."