Case by Case Love

Chapter 35: His Father

Jay takes a deep breath as he leans back against the counter. 

His mind did not want to think about this. It was already happening enough involuntarily with the flashbacks, and the nightmares that kept himself up at night. But yet here he was forcing himself to think about it directly. Who willing brought more punishment upon themself?

"When you mentioned Kelly Severide helping me when you took me off of the call, I found myself stuck back in a flashback," Jay starts quietly, taking a deep breath as he does so. He wanted to get this out without feeling a tear trickle down his cheeks. But no matter how hard he always tried to stop it from happening, he did. He may be a soldier and a police officer, and could handle any sort of pain - except thinking about the loss of his mother. "I was thinking back to one of the many nights that I had to pick him up at a bar because he had gotten himself drunk. He did that consistently for the weeks following my mom's death. I felt bad for him, knowing that sadness myself, so I kept each night going and getting him. He hated it. 

"Each night, he made comments about how he didn't care about me, I didn't care about this family enough, Will was the only one that mattered, it was my fault. No matter how things change, or how I grow older, I am always reminded of a particular night. He told me, 'The same way you took care of your mother, right? You just held her hand, watched her close her eyes, and leave us. She shouldn't had died. I only have one son, Will, and he would've saved her!' 

"That has stuck with me. He blamed me for my mother's death. How do you do that to someone? It hurt me more than anything to let my mom go. It still hurts more than anything! Do you really think I wanted to let her go? I wanted to see her fight and beat the cancer! I believed she could do it because she was strong! It was painful, more than the bullet I took to the chest, to watch her slowly fade away! But yet he blamed me!" 

The tears were now streaming down his face at a consistent rate, all of the pain that had stuck with him for all those years now. He was 45 years old now. He had done two tours in Afghanistan. He had done a tour in Bolivia. He had been shot, kidnapped, tasered, beat up - and blown up twice for that matter. But the pain that had stuck with him now for 20 years was all laid out there in the stream of tears that fell down his cheeks.

"It's the worst feeling to watch someone be diagnosed with cancer, and then find out there's nothing that you can do to make them better," Hank starts quietly as he keeps his eyes on Jay. Part of him wanted to get up and wrap his arms around him. He knew what Jay was going through and the pain he was experiencing. He had been through ti himself with his wife Carmella. But he also knew when to offer space for Jay to get it out, and when to offer comfort. He knew Jay needed his bit of space as much as the comfort in conversation. "It doesn't leave you no matter how hard you try in knowing all you could do was help make them more comfortable while they slip away from you. It's a lasting image that you cannot get rid of - as much as you try to remember the better times with that person."  

"I wish you could've met her," Jay comments as he tries to wipe away the tears that had fallen as quick as he could. He was not someone to get emotional, and he was not about to allow that to be a lasting image here. "She was so sweet, and would give the shirt off of her back to anyone."

"I guess you could say that you are your mother's son as that explains where you get your great heart from in that you will do whatever necessary to help someone. She would be proud of the man that you have become, Jay. I bet she's got a smile on her face in seeing what both you and Will have done." Jay nods his head, appreciating the heartfelt message as he hoped Hank was right in those words. He just wanted to make his mother proud. "Your father? Well, he was a prick for saying that and you have to know that no matter what happened, it wasn't your fault. It's not your fault Will was not in town then to help, and it's not your fault for what she went through, and it's not your fault for how your father felt about it." 

"I know. But that's how I was to him, Hank. I could never live up to his standard. He even told me that I would probably get killed because I wouldn't know how to save or fight for myself. I guess I proved him wrong..." Hank nods his head, even with a bit of a surprise in the conversation that was happening. 

They rarely spoke about his father in detail. They had only on one previous occasion. It was following an abusive child kid, where the victim was being abused by his gym teacher. Jay had been able to get through to the kid, and get him to share the full story. Hank could tell it was a case that affected Jay, and found him in the locker room by himself sitting there on a bench upset after it was all said and done. It was then he asked Jay about how he knew what to say to the boy.

"I knew because I've been in his shoes," were the words that Jay told him that day. He then shared details of his childhood and the things that happened - slaps with the belt, kicks to the ribs with his big boots. He even recalled a time Will had to give him stitches after his father belittled him about a mess in the kitchen. Hank was the only person outside of Will to know these details about a childhood growing up in the house of Pat Halstead.

"Can you stop getting shot or being near bombs when they blow up to prove him wrong?" Hank questions, with a slight chuckle behind the question. "You may have nine lives, but you're making my grey hairs grow faster with your escapades."