Case by Case Love

Chapter 36: Jay's Confession

After the father confession, a pair of glasses rested between the sergeant and his detective, with whiskey poured into both by the boss. 

Drinking away your feelings was certainly not a healthy way to go about things. It was not what he wanted to emphasize for his young detective to do, either. 

Let's face it - Jay knew that was a bad idea from his past antics. After returning back from his second tour, he had done the whole routine - alcohol, drugs, and late night fights at the bar. He had almost done himself in one particular night, while requiring pick ups from the bar by Mouse some others. 

The pair of glasses on the table were just meant to make the conversation go easier. It was made to make things less formal, more relaxed. Normally when they came out, both of them were able to get more things on the table than they normally did under any other setting.

"Certain things happen, and they just make me flash back to certain moments - just like the conversation at the party," Jay reveals as his eyes focus on the glass ahead of him. "The flashbacks - they are rare and don't happen often, thankfully. The nightmares, that's another story man." He takes a deep breath, as he thinks back to the past week alone. "They came back when I came home from Bolivia. They only increased when I went through the kidnapping with Alex and Derek. Now with the bombing, I am waking up at least once a night, sometimes three times a night." 

"Are they as bad as they used to be?" Hank questions, knowing more details than most in regards to the nightmares. He had stayed with Jay a few nights after a couple rough cases so he had company. He remembered when he forced the stay on him after the incident with Carmela. There were screams. There were tears. There were even kicks and punches, unintended, to whomever was tending to him with those. "Jay, how bad are they? Should I be worried about you and Erin?" 

"No..." Jay glances down at the floor, taking a deep breath as the simple comment from Hank brought forth another flashback. It was a reminder of a promise he made himself after growing up with his father. It was a promise he further told himself upon hearing details of Hailey's rough childhood. "No matter what happens, I swear I won't hurt her. I would never lay a hand on her, no matter what state I am in. That would be worse than anything else I could do to myself." 

"Ma?" Jay questions as he makes his way over to his mother. He could see the mark on her hand. "Ma? What happened?"

"We don't need to talk about thi-" His mother starts back in response.

"No, we do. Who hurt you? Who did this to you?" 

"My father just didn't hurt me," Jay comments as he takes a long sip of the whiskey. How was he supposed to say these words out loud? "He went after my mom a couple times. He went after he when she would defend me. Those nights hurt worse than the nights he went after me. So Hank, when I say that I would never hurt Erin, I mean it. I could never do what he did to me, to my mother, to someone else..." Hank nods his head, reaching over to place a hand on top of Jay's out of comfort.

"I believe you," Hank simply states in return as he knew the look between the pair was all that needed to be said, even more important than the words discussed. "I could not imagine going through that. I would have probably strangled him right on the spot." 

"I wanted to.." Jay takes a deep breath, in remembering how many times that had flashed through his mind over the years. But yet something kept holding him back from doing it every time he crossed paths with his father. Love? It couldn't be that. 

"You didn't answer the question, though. How bad are they? Are they as bad as I remember?" Another deep breath as Jay was brought back to the reality of the current situation, offering a simple nod of the head.

"Cold sweats, screaming, tears, stuck in a trance, throwing arms - yeah, they are bad. And then its worse afterwards I can't get back to sleep because I can't stop thinking about it." Jay picks up his glass, taking another long sip, before placing on the counter. It was taking every bit of his energy left from the night to tell him. "There's some nights I only get a couple hours of sleep. That's why I've welcomed a distraction in being able to do some paperwork, and focus on other things. It gives me something else to think about until I figure out how to deal with it all. It allows my mind to focus on a task, get in that routine, stop worrying about things that went wrong or did not happen. It's always been that way for me." 

"Distraction, finding something else to think about - it doesn't sound like you're handling it. It sounds like you're avoiding the truth." Jay knew how it sounded, and was not one bit surprised by his superior's observation. "I could tell you this as your boss, but I am also going to tell you this as your friend. We both know it only gets worse if you don't handle it properly. You need to handle it properly." 

"I know....." Jay takes a deep breath as he takes out his phone, opening up a series of text messages on his phone. "I am doing the right thing. I reached out to Dr. Charles to set up a meeting to start the conversation. I hate therapy. I never have liked talking to someone. But I know I need to do it when the triggers and everything become too much. Hank, I appreciate you stopping by to check on me. I appreciate you leaving your own celebratory party because you are worried about me. But I am going to be okay. You know me. I am always okay."