Just a nurse

Survivor

Johnny was awfully excited for this.
It took all my experience in convincing to not make him plan a whole new wedding.

I didn't wanted that.
In fact I never even thought I would marry at all some day.
In my head I would be hiding my whole life.

But all this was different.
I was no one after all that.
A shallow name.
A fairytale that's told to new medics perhaps.

My old life was a mess.
A painful memory.
I wanted to forget that.
To finally be me.
The person who I want to be.
And I wanted to be with Simon.

Phillip was so wrong.
The love Simon and I had for each other couldn't be described.
Even after all this he only saw me as who I really was.
Only Melissa.

And now I was a Riley.
This was my new life now.
And I couldn't be happier.

But even I had to admit that I had to fight.
Fight my nightmares.
Fight my flashbacks.
Fight my own image in the mirror.

Phillips words echoed through my head.

-These pretty scars should  remind you of me forever-

And they probably would.
I was never a selfconcous woman.
But seeing this.
It made me mad.
I was disgusted by myself.

Simon tried to reassure me where he could.
But he wasn't the best on that.
He never were.

Today was the big party Johnny had planned.
I was excited to see all the people and to have maybe a nice evening.

All this was erased from my mind.
I had gotten up and took a shower.
My eyes had already the reflex to avoide the mirror.
But I looked.
And now I was sitting on the edge of the tub and bawled my eyes out.

I hated myself for that.
These were just some scars.
I had loads of them.
Why was this bothering me so much.

I hadn't even noticed how Simon came inside.
He kneeled before me and cupped my face.

„Missy. Missy look at me"

I looked up through a blurry vision.

„What is wrong love? Tell me. Talk to me"

I gave him a fathe look in direction of the mirror and he understood.

„Missy no.
Please no.
You're beautiful.
And I will tell you every second of my life if I have to."

He made me look at him.

„Listen. You're the strongest, funniest, smartest and most beautiful woman I have ever met.
And I know it's hard.
But you're a Riley now.
And we never give up.
I'll love you forever. I married you didn't I?"

His voice was calm and firm but at the same time he was kind of pleading.
I took some deep breaths.
Holding tight onto his hands.
I slowly calmed down.
He had already pulled one of his way too big sweaters over my head since I was sitting there in my underwear and it was bloody cold.

„I don't know if I can do this"

I was referring to this evening.
I had lost all my excitement in a heartbeat.
But Simon pulled me to my feet and placed me in front of the mirror.
He firmly grabbed my chin and made me look up.

„Look at yourself.
Look at this amazing woman.
The woman that destroyed the shadows.
A legend."

He brought his face onto my level.

„And look at this fool who managed to get the most amazing woman on earth.
I mean look at me.
I look way worse than you.
And you still love me.
I'm still struggling to understand how this works."

„Your scars show that you survived.
That you did good work Simon.
You're not a fool. You're my husband"

„Nothing to add to that ma'am"

He grinned.
I realised what he had done.
He used my own words against me.
Or for me?

I looked back at me.
Maybe he was right.
After all this only showed that I survived didn't it?

I was here.
Alive.
With an amazing husband.
With friends.

And Philip was not.
He was dead.