Regret

Kapitulo cuarenta

Irene's POV

Do you know the feeling na parang gumigising ka araw-araw, pero wala ka talagang tulog? Ganito na ang pakiramdam ko lately. Hindi ko na alam kung ilang araw na kami dito sa hospital. Hindi na nga ako umuuwi. Parang wala na ring sense.

I can't leave Ely.

Kahit anong pagod o antok ang nararamdaman ko, I stay. Hindi ko na nga alam kung anong amoy ng kama ko, or if may mga fresh sheets pa ba ako sa bahay. My life is here now.

I sat beside Ely's bed. The machines beep around her, keeping her alive, but she looks so weak. Nakakatakot siya tingnan, like the Ely I know is slowly slipping away from me. Every time I look at her, it feels like there's this sharp pain in my chest, like at any moment, baka mawala siya.

Ang hirap tanggapin.

Hinaplos ko ang kamay niya, malamig, sobrang lambot, pero alam mong may sakit. "Anak..." bulong ko. My voice cracked. Hindi ko mapigilan ang mga mata kong mag-init. "I'm scared, baby. I don't want to lose you. Hindi pa ako nakakabawi sa'yo. You can't leave me yet, okay? I can't do this without you."

Napapikit ako ng mariin, trying to hold back the tears. "Mahal na mahal kita." My voice was shaking. "P-please, patawarin mo ako. Patawarin mo kami sa ginawa naming pag-iwan sa'yo when you were just a baby. Hindi ko alam kung paano kita babawiin, pero anak, I'm begging you... let me try. Let me be your mom again. Let me make it up to you."

Humikbi ako. I could feel my whole body shaking. Everything I've been holding back came pouring out. "Sorry if you ever thought na unwanted ka. That's not true, anak. It was never true. You're the best thing that happened to us. Mahal na mahal ka namin, kahit noon pa, kahit na masyado kaming na-busy ng daddy mo sa company... ikaw pa rin ang pinaka-importante sa amin. I'm sorry if we failed to show you that. Sorry, baby. Please come back to me."

I gripped her hand tighter, hoping she could feel it. Hirap na hirap na rin siguro siya, pero ayoko siyang bumitaw. Hindi pa ako ready. I don't think I'll ever be ready to lose her.

"Aayusin ko ang lahat, anak," I whispered. "Just please, don't give up."

Bigla kong narinig ang marahang pagkatok sa pinto. "Irene," my mom called softly.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. She entered the room, her eyes full of concern. Lumapit siya sa tabi ko at tinignan si Ely. Parang kami, parehong-pareho ng pakiramdam. Parang wala nang kulay ang mga buhay namin since Ely got sick.

"How is she?" tanong niya.

Umiling ako, hindi ko alam ang isasagot. "I don't know, mommy. Pero gusto ko lang na gumaling siya. I want her back." My voice cracked, tears threatening to fall again. I miss her so much. Her laughter, her energy. Everything feels empty without her.

Mom pulled me into a hug. "Shh... I'm here," she whispered, trying to comfort me. But even her embrace couldn't take away the guilt.

The pain.

"This is all m-my fault," I sobbed against her shoulder. Parang lahat ng sakit ko, bumuhos sa simpleng yakap na 'yon.

"No, Irene," she whispered firmly, pero gentle. "It's not your fault."

But it is, diba? At least partly. We left Ely. Hindi namin siya nabigyan ng enough time. And now, here we are. Babalik lang kami sa kanya kapag may ganitong situation na. Parang hindi ako deserving sa title na "Mommy."

Hinawakan ako ni Mommy and helped me stand up. Parang ang bigat na ng buong katawan ko, both physically and emotionally. We walked outside the ICU, and she sat me down on one of the benches in the hallway.