Regret

Epilogue

Katherine's POV

"That's how my life went, doc," sabi ko nang nakangiti sa therapist ko.

Nakaupo ako sa malambot na armchair sa office niya, habang siya naman ay tahimik na nakikinig, nakatingin sa akin na parang sinusuri ang bawat salita, bawat kilos. I could tell she was really invested in my story, at masaya akong i-share sa kanya ang progress ko.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko in-expect na magiging ganito ako ka-okay pagkatapos ng lahat ng nangyari. Parang isang malaking pelikula yung buhay ko, puno ng drama, plot twists, at sobrang daming emosyon.

Pero nandito ako, masaya, at higit sa lahat—buo.

Nag-start akong magpatingin ulit sa therapist pagkatapos ng accident ko. Naalala ko pa yung unang session namin, sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko noon. Parang lahat ng sakit, lahat ng hinanakit, hindi ko mabitawan. Kaya nag-decide akong humingi ng tulong. Nag-hire ako ng therapist nang makalabas na ako sa ospital, kasi nga, naaksidente ako, 'di ba? Kasama ko si Tita Patricia sa kotse, at to be honest, I wasn't sure I'd make it.

Pero nandito ako ngayon, telling my story, alive and kicking.

"Ang dami mong kwento, Katherine. And I'm really glad na ibinabahagi mo 'to sa akin ngayon," sabi ni Doc, habang sinusulat ang ilang notes sa maliit niyang notebook. Alam mo yung parang nasa movie na parang laging seryoso ang therapist, pero si Doc, cool siya.

Parang kalmado lang, pero alam mong may lalim ang mga tanong niya.

Nagkwento ako ng lahat.

Lahat ng sakit, takot, at gulo sa buhay ko.

And this time, parang hindi na mabigat na ibahagi. Kaya ko nang sabihin nang hindi na nagbubuhol yung dibdib ko sa sobrang sakit. Kaya ko na itong tingnan mula sa malayo, na parang tinitignan mo na lang ang lumang larawan, tapos tatawa ka pa minsan.

"Yung trauma na iniwan sa akin ng mga magulang ko," sabi ko.

"Iniwan nila ako nung baby pa lang ako, tapos bumalik sila sa buhay ko after 16 years. Sixteen freakin' years, doc! Can you imagine?" Napailing ako, natatawa. "Nung una, galit ako, sobra. I mean, who wouldn't be, right? Pero ngayon... naiintindihan ko na. Lahat tayo may pinagdadaanan, lahat tayo may choices na minsan mali. Pero natutunan ko na ang pagpapatawad... para sa sarili ko din. Hindi ko sila pinatawad para sa kanila, kundi para sa akin."

"How did it feel to forgive them?" tanong ni Doc, tinignan ako ng diretso, as if waiting for me to finally lay down all my emotions.

"Hindi madali," sabi ko, medyo nagpipigil ng luha.

"It took time. Para sa akin kasi, forgiveness is not forgetting. Hindi ko makakalimutan kung ano 'yung ginawa nila, pero natutunan kong bitawan 'yung galit. At sa huli, mas naging malaya ako. Hindi ko sila pinilit bumalik sa buhay ko. Dumating sila ng kusa, and it was up to me to decide kung paano kami magpapatuloy. Kaya nung pinatawad ko sila, it felt like freeing myself from the weight of the past. Wala na yung bigat na dala-dala ko. Para bang, sa wakas, nakahinga ako ng maluwag."

Umiling ako at natawa nang konti. "Pero alam mo, Doc, ang pagpapatawad ay parang isang malaking hugot. Ang dami kong iniiyak! Pero after, ang sarap ng feeling. Parang... alam mo 'yung ang tagal mong hindi huminga nang malalim, tapos sa wakas, makakahinga ka ng fresh air? Ganun."

Tumango si Doc. "It's powerful, Katherine, the way you describe forgiveness. It shows your growth."

"And then there's Lola," sabi ko habang tumingin ako sa labas ng bintana ng office.

Sobrang close ko kay nonna, siya yung naging nanay ko nung wala pa sila Mommy. Sa kanya ako natutong tumawa, magmahal, at magtiwala. Pero nung namatay siya, parang nawala din ako. Parang yung isang bahagi ng buhay ko, bigla na lang naglaho. Hindi ko alam kung paano magpapatuloy. Kaya, well... naglaslas ako.

"I remember that day so clearly, doc. I thought, 'if she's gone, bakit pa ako nandito?' I was in so much pain, hindi ko na kaya. So I tried to end it."

Nung sinabi ko yun, nakita ko yung malalim na concern sa mata ng therapist ko, pero she let me continue. "But obviously, I didn't succeed. Nagising ako sa ospital, and I realized—hindi ito ang gusto ni Lola para sa akin. She would've wanted me to live, to keep going, kahit gaano pa kahirap."

"Loss can be so overwhelming, Katherine," sabi ni Doc, her voice soft but steady. "Pero alam mo, you've come such a long way.Your Lola would be so proud of you. I'm sure of it."

Napa-smile ako nang konti. "Yeah, I think so too. Minsan, naiisip ko na lang na she's watching over me. I carry her lessons with me, every day. I still miss her, but instead of feeling lost without her, I feel like she's still with me, in a way."

Then, there's the car accident. Yung muntik nang matapos ang lahat.

"Alam mo, doc, after that accident with Tita Patricia, I realized how fragile life is. Parang isang iglap lang, pwedeng magbago ang lahat. One second you're fine, laughing, and the next, you're in a hospital bed, wondering if you'll ever get up again. It made me realize how unpredictable everything is. Wala kang control sa lahat, pero meron kang control kung paano ka magre-react sa mga bagay."

"Exactly," sagot niya. "And I can see how that has shaped you. You're more resilient now, Katherine. Kitang kita ko na kahit unpredictable ang mundo, you've learned how to navigate through it."

I nodded, feeling that deep inside. Ang daming nangyari, and it's hard to sum it all up, but one thing's for sure: I've grown so much.

"What's your biggest regret?" tanong ni Doc, na nakangiti habang nakatingin sa akin. That question caught me off guard for a second.

My biggest regret? Na-realize ko na, wala yata akong ganun.

I paused for a moment, searching my feelings. "You know what, Doc, I don't think I have any regrets." Tumigil ako, trying to explain better. "I mean, I can be unhappy if I don't like the consequences of my actions, but it doesn't mean I regret it. Naniniwala kasi ako na lahat ng nangyari ay may dahilan, whether it's good or bad. And even if it's painful, it's what made me who I am today."

She nodded thoughtfully, absorbing my words. "So, what about forgiveness? Do you regret forgiving those who hurt you?"

Napangiti ako sa tanong niya. "No, Doc. Hindi ko regret 'yun. In fact, I think it's one of the best decisions I ever made. Forgiving them allowed me to move forward. Hindi ako natali sa galit at sakit. And in a way, I found peace."

We sat there in silence for a moment, the weight of everything I had shared hanging in the air. I felt lighter, more free than ever before. The person I was when I first stepped into this room was different from who I am now.

Stronger.

Braver.

Just like the phoenix pendant my mom gave me.

"You know, Katherine, I'm really proud of how far you've come. I can see it in your eyes—the peace, the happiness. Nung una kitang nakilala, puno ka ng hinanakit, puno ng galit. But look at you now. Ang saya mo, ang ganda ng aura mo. You've come a long way, and you should be proud of yourself."

Nakangiti lang ako habang tumingin sa kanya. Alam kong totoo yung sinabi niya. I've made peace with my past, and now, I'm living in the present—fully, completely.

"Thanks, Doc," sabi ko. "You've been such a big help. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako ngayon kung hindi dahil sa therapy."

"And that's all you," she said. "You did the hard work. I just helped guide you."

Tumayo ako, ready to leave the session. As I walked out of the room, I couldn't help but smile.

This was the end of one chapter, but it was also the start of something new.

This time, however, I was ready—ready for whatever life throws at me, with no fear, no regrets. Just hope, strength, and a heart full of love and forgiveness.

Tumingala ako sa langit, feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin. Parang si nonna na nakangiti sa akin mula sa taas. I could feel it. And I knew, deep in my heart, I had found my place.

The world was unpredictable, yes, but so was I. And that's where my power lay.