The App: App-ocalypse (1)

Day 2 - Lying to myself

I'm fucking scared. And I have no one to tell it.

Ok. I figured writing it down may helped me. I was wrong again. It's actually even worse than it was before because now it's real. It's like the words are looking painfully at me and I can't do anything about it. Fuck.

"Language, little girl". That's what mom would tell me if she could read that. My real mom, by the way. She died of cancer when I was four. And that sentence (with her exact angry tone) is one of the only sentence I remember from her. In a different time, I'd probably say that my life sucks because of this. Except right now my life sucks for a very different reason and mom dying of cancer almost seems like an tolerable pain. I do feel like a monster for writing that, but with this App-ocalypse going on, I think it may be normal to think that. Plus, who cares what I'm thinking right now besides... well, me. I'm still alone and on my own.

I'm trying to avoid thinking about the current situation of the world. More precisely I don't want to think about my freaking situation.

So today was Saturday and in a different world I would have spent the day with Mark. I don't think I said that yet but Mark is my boyfriend.

...Except he doesn't know it yet. I met him a year ago when I was - hold on - at the swimming pool with - hold on again! - my parents. The perfect way to meet your future husband, right ? The thing is we didn't talk that much during the first sixth month. Everytime I was going to the pool on Saturday he was there. Inevitably I ended up spending a lot of Saturdays there. Cassandra teases me all the time about what she calls my "sportive Saturday afternoon".

You see, dad? Writing can actually be a way to avoid my problems. Eat that, I won't struggle with them.

Anyway Mark is like the perfect 18 yo athletic guy all the girls are dreaming about (and that obviously includes me). My dad talked to him first, just to ask him the time. Of course, since then we had the perfect excuse to say hello to each other. From that we then evolved into something else with small talks and else. He finally asked me my number last week because I said I was on holidays and because he was also about to be on holidays. The perfect coincidence. Or, you know, it was just because we were on July.

We were supposed to see each other today and he was supposed to take me to diner somewhere expensive after that - see ? Boyfriend stuff. We organized that dinner two days ago when we talked for hours on WhatsApp...

...which totally makes me thinking about this crappy App-ocalypse thing and the fact that the world is still a mess while I'm acting like a desperate teenage girl who is having her first crush. But seriously I don't see how I can contact him or how we could see each other again. For all I know he may be a sleeper... or worst. Just like my parents (By the way I didn't turn on the computer today because I perfectly know they can't contact me without Wi-Fi and stuff. ).

Even if he wasn't a sleeper, he could still be one of those psychos killing his neighbor for food and supplies. I mean, I get why one would do that... but not after only twenty-four hours. How is it possible that the world turned up this fucked in one day? Is it the same everywhere in the world? Am I the only one being as cool as a cucumber about the situation?

Yeah great. Now I'm totally lying to myself. I'm terrified and certainly not cool at all about the situation. Still my fear wouldn't lead me to kill someone for a bloody tomato. Come on, what was that riot about seriously? How could they reach so quickly this state of mind? Of course they had love ones to protect and kids to feed but...

Ok. Truth time. As a matter of fact, I totally get them and I'm still lying to myself when I wrote the contrary. The real truth is I'm just too scared to admit it. Just like I'm too scared to try and go out at the supermarket even though I know this would be best for me to do that. At least it would have been before the riot but I was scared then. And now I'm even more scared because I saw how quickly things escalated right there and I saw them killing each other just to get some food and I don't want to be a part of a bloodbath (not only because I perfectly know that I'd die right away but also because I do not want to kill someone - like never ever).

However, let's look at the bright side: I have enough food for a week in the house. I think.

I hope.

Now I'm hungry.