The App: App-ocalypse (1)

Day 17 - Being betrayed

Sorry I couldn't write last month but here we go again. Hope you'll like it - there is so many things about to happen...

Next time I disappear you can find me on Twitter @ShipouJG / #TheApp ;)

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I am so mad at Georges right now -- I can't even stand being in a room with him. How could he?

He stole my diary. It's actually worst than that, he READ it. Everything that happened to me since the App-ocalypse is written in here, all my thoughts and fears and he just read it as if it was a novel. He even said to me it was entertaining !!

Meanwhile I was just looking everywhere for it. Everywhere. I convinced myself I had lost it somewhere in the field yesterday when we went for a walk in the evening with Anna.

Oh my God I'm so mad. Not only did he read it he also gave it back to me with his opinion - and I didn't want to hear his opinion about what I wrote SERIOUSLY. After looking for it everywhere for a whole day since yesterday evening I had finally gave up the idea and made my peace with it, terrified that Adriana had stolen it from me because... Well I don't know there is sort of an history between us now that I heard what she was thinking about our presence in her home.

Anyway Georges said he wanted to talk to me after lunch and I was really wondering what the fuck he wanted to talk about. I was convinced it was about my attitude the other day when I confronted him and Anna on their decision.

But hey no it was just to give back my fricking diary. He found it in the bathroom where I suppose I left it by accident. At first when he found it he was about to gave it back to me but I was asleep and he was curious about what I could wrote every few hours. And so he read it. He told me that as if it was the logical thing to do. I don't see how it could be logical.

I'm so mad I want to hurt him right now. At least I did slap him when he told me he read it. Slapping is becoming pretty usual in my life right now. But I'm convinced it was a fair slap. He read the whole thing.

And then he told me he had no idea I was in love with Anna. What the fuck?! I never wrote that. I never even thought that. This is ridiculous. He insisted when I denied it and told me my secret was safe with him. According to him it's obvious I'm rejecting Anton and every guy in my life because it's not what I really want. And I'm supposedly addicted to Anna. Which is false. Then of course my first instinct when I knew he read my diary was to go to her and complain about it. Then he told me I had a crush on her and suddenly everything changed and I just couldn't run to her.

This is so weird. Why would he think that?! I think I have to read my diary again. I mean I wrote it mainly to my father, more accurately at least to forget about his absence and my fears. So how could he ended up with this conclusion?

I mean... How could he know that when I'm not even sure about what I feel?

Yes, I think a lot about her those past few days, it's true, but it's just because we've been through so much together. I do want her opinion on every decision I make but it's because she's older than me and knows better, right? I do love sleeping in her bed and feeling her close to me but it's because our lives are so chaotic since the App-ocalypse. I literally lost everyone so yes having a friend and some hugs feel good.

Or maybe I'm really falling in love with another girl. Shit. Am I really writing - thinking - that? How could I not know? How could he discover that just by reading this diary ?

And now I must hide it pretty well because no one can ever read this page.

I'm so lost right now and I have no one to talk about it. What would I give to have Cassandra by my side. She always had the right words to guide me when I didn't knew what to do. Now I'm just hiding and crying in the toilets like an abandoned child.

Lost and abandoned. That's me, Eliza Fedge, living the App-ocalypse and discovering I'm not who I think I was. Who am I right now - and what am I ? I'm not even sure about the answer. It's a simple question. All that I'm asking myself is a simple question.

Am I in love with Anna? Is it love ? Or am I just letting Georges getting in my head ?

I mean he probably invented that to make me forgive him quicker or whatever. I can't be in love with her. This is stupid. It's a girl.

Still, I'd really want her to be here with me to hug me and telling me everything is gonna be alright and... Kiss me maybe ?

Sure a kiss with her looks good on the paper - whereas kissing Anton or Georges just disgust me. Then again I'm mad at them whereas Anna always been there for me. It's pretty normal then to prefer kissing her than them.

I don't know. This is freaking crazy.

Meanwhile I guess the world is still falling apart. Seriously Eliza... Just stop writing and thinking. This is stupid.

I'm not in love.
Or am I ?