The App: App-ocalypse (1)

Day 18 - Apologising

I guess it's never too late to apologise, except if your name is Georges.

Last night when I was hiding in the bathroom crying and writing, Anton came to me. And yes he had a t-shirt for once. He knocked and I don't really know why I let him come in.

We had a long - really long - talk. First he tried to hide the fact he knew everything about me since Georges had talk to him - but it became pretty clear after a while. Georges tried to talk to him during the evening about the night I slapped Anton - but he never told anyone what happened.

When he understood Georges had read my diary he asked for more informations. And Georges gave him. I'm even more mad at him now. How can he keep breaking my trust and intimacy like that?

Anyway Georges told Anton everything I wrote about him and it was suddenly clear to me Anton was going through his own crisis - he never thought I felt so violated seeing him naked and having to reject his kiss. He told me he never had any girlfriend in high school and had never been naked in front of a girl before. Me seeing him had made him felt weird about me - uncomfortable. Maybe more than I was now that I think about it...

I became his only thought, which is not really a surprise giving that I'm one of the only two girls besides his mother he saw in days (I don't count "darling" though).

So he was basically in love with me and knowing he was the only guy around - Georges acted like a big brother to me and is still crying a lot about Mary, especially during the night when he thinks Anton is asleep - he thought it was just blatantly obvious that I loved him too.

Everything I did - even just talking to him - was a proof that I loved him. At least it was in his eyes. Now that's mainly bullshit I know but since we have to live together I was glad he told me that. I said to him nothing would ever happened between us and he replied "I know now".

That's when I really understood Georges told him everything he read and thought about me. I felt violated once more - even though I just told Anton I forgave him. I felt naked in front of him - which is probably fair knowing I did see him naked. I'm pretty sure I blushed once more and I couldn't tell him Georges was wrong - I wanted to and I tried to but it was just impossible to say. I think it's because he may be right.

That's not the point though. The point is Anton's a good guy. I violated his intimacy as much as he violated mine and last night he said he was sorry more times that I can remember. Knowing what I thought about him made him sick. I'm not sorry about it - I'm pretty glad he learnt a lesson there.

However Georges isn't the man I thought he was and I'm really disappointed about him. I went to talk to him first thing this morning but I woke up later than usual (yes I didn't sleep long...) and he was already gone. Anton and him went to the forest near the farm trying to hunt some future food for us. They left a note on the kitchen's table and that's all.

I think it may be a good thing: I don't know if I have the courage to confront him about the whole situation. I do want him to at least apologise and promise he won't talk about what he read to anyone. Especially to Anna.

I can't look at her. I'm afraid she could read every doubts I have through my gaze. I mean there must be something obvious in my eyes when I look at her if I'm that transparent in my diary when I don't realise what I'm feeling. I avoided her since I woke up, which was pretty easy since she was showering when I came into the kitchen. And I'm still in the kitchen contemplating at the dishes and procrastinating a lot by writing what happened last night.

Well, that's pretty much everything though.