The App: App-ocalypse (1)

Day 29 - Confessing

Michael seeing light again is one of the best thing that happened to us recently. I figured I should write it down to remember some things were still positive in the chaos that our life turned out to be since the App-ocalypse.

I'm desperately trying to find positive things to write but it's really hard. To be honest there is one thing I never wrote here and even though it's not that positive - quite the contrary actually - I think it may be time to do so.

I really really really miss my smartphone.

I know this is stupid but I feel like I'm missing a limb. It's like someone cut a part of my hand. How many times did I surprised myself looking for my phone to take a picture or find the answer to a question?

It's totally ridiculous but having a phone is - was - a part of who I am and I have to fight it everyday. And I hate myself for that. How did I became such a junkie ? I never realised how attached to my smartphone I was. Sure I was constantly looking at it and was constantly pissed off because my battery kind of always died at the worst moments.

But being unable to use my phone now I realise not only how useful it was but how time-consuming it was. I was litterally always carrying it. Even in the toilets for God's sake !

Finally the App-ocalypse killed a part of me when it happened. It may be the real reason of why I opened this diary in the first place. I have no idea how long I lived without using a piece of paper for my own pleasure before the App-ocalypse. I only wrote controls and essays for school - or taking notes from a boring lesson made by a boring teacher. Except when Anna was the teacher, then it wasn't that boring.

Anna is trying to get Michael to work some elementary mathematics right now. The teacher in her woke up when Michael was telling a story about his past and told us that 8x7 was equal to 57. I have to confess I didn't pay attention to his mistake but Anna was shocked and decided it was time for Michael to start working again.

At my surprise he didn't protest. I don't really see the point of trying to get him into maths or speaking Spanish right now - we're still blocked underground. However it sure is a way to spend some of our time in the dark. It's also a good way to avoid becoming a crazy piece of shit just like Adriana was. Focusing on something else than ourselves, our fate or our losses is sort of new and refreshing.

Of course it also showed me how dependant of my phone I was since I had the reflex of calculate everything with it before the App-ocalypse. Now I have to calculate by myself again. It's somewhat a bit exhausting - or maybe it's the fact that I'm still in the dark most of the time.

I don't dare talk about it with the others. Michael didn't have his own phone so he wouldn't - couldn't - understand my problem. Plus he's a kid. And Anna is my former teacher and despite everything I still saw her as a slightly older person who doesn't use her phone that much. Which is probably ridiculous because she is a human being after all but I tended to see her only as a teacher before all that so I guess I haven't adjusted all my expectations yet. And no matter how much things have changed I still partly saw her as a teacher.

Now I'm wondering what this could mean psychologically speaking - I'm in love with a figure of authority or something. I'm sure there is plenty of things to say about it. And I can't use Google to verify that anymore. As a matter of fact I'm on my own now while I was always living with someone reachable at any time of the day or night. I had everything, every knowledge I needed, in the palm of my very own hand.

Now I'm just holding a dead phone in my hands, wondering what the last QR code it showed meant or what all the friends I was able to contact through it had become. Have they all keep their phones like me? Or am I becoming irrational ?

Anna threw her phone back when we were in high-school together, before meeting Michael and Georges. I never saw Georges using it but I'm pretty sure he had one phone on his pocket. As for Anton he was often playing with it, juggling or something. So of course I was feeling bad being like him because I didn't exactly like him. And now I miss him. Funny how life turns out for our little group.

Yes by funny I totally meant tragic. This is the life now - missing every friend and foe your ever had and being stuck with someone you love but who is probably not loving you. Or maybe she does - I have to keep hope to stay sane. At least I think I'm still sane. Let's hope.