The App: App-ocalypse (1)

Day 24 - Mourning

John died. I couldn't write those past few days. When he died, we couldn't find the firelight. He kept it until the last minute and Adriana didn't want us to approach them afterward. We stayed in the dark for what seemed an eternity but was probably a day or so. She never stopped crying, not even for one minute. We couldn't sleep nor eat. We didn't do anything.

At first we were sad - I was devastated. John was a second father for all of us (well I mean except for Michael: Georges was his second father so that made John his third dad.. Crazy. And he doesn't have any of them left now) so of course we cried. But it was also a relief - he was making a lot of noise during his last hours/days of life. He suffered. A lot.

Our bond to him wasn't that strong - when he died we were sad but obviously not as sad as Adriana. She kept us from sleeping and eating for a whole day and our mourn turned out to be a little.. Dominated by a feeling of hate toward her. Being in the dark only makes us more angry and easy to piss I suppose. We didn't say anything but I could feel Anna's hand became more... I don't know how to put that into words. We developed this thing the both of us. Just by touching each other hand we know exactly what the other feels. It also works with Michael. Sometimes. I don't know why or how.

Anyway Adriana finally fell asleep and we took the firelight. We ate more food than usual that night (I don't know if it was day or night - I don't care actually - but it felt like a night because she was sleeping and we were trying not to wake her up).  It was sort of a good night and seeing light after all this time was as hurtful as it was amazing. Seeing Anna's face for once was so nice - even with her face covered in dust she was indeed beautiful.

We also discovered since our arrival in this cave of ours we could see some things in the dark - mainly because we're not totally in the dark. I don't know how to explain it but it's like there's some light coming from... I don't know where. Or maybe we're just imagining seeing things when we just know where they are because it's been a week.

I don't know. I used to know everything - to like to pretend I knew everything. But I just don't. And I didn't either back then if I consider how blind I think I was about myself for years. I never loved Mark. I was just trying to fit into everyone's expectations, to be the good girl I was destined to be. What a fool!

Adriana is still crying but she started to eat again. We're worried about Michael though. He is eating less than usual and complaining about stomach ache. We didn't say anything to each other but I know Anna is thinking exactly the same thing: John complained about his stomach before starting to complain about everything. Then John died.

Michael was outside the morning the bomb exploded. Was he infected by some radiations? Was he stronger than John because he was young? Was I infected too?

There's also this awful feeling: what if it weren't radiations? What if John was just sick - what if he had something contagious?

I'm writing again because I'm terrified again - I don't want to die. I don't want to die even if I'm already burried.

Talking about that... Adriana finally decided to let us take the corpse of John away. Which mean we had to open the door of the cave.

We did it during the day because there was a lot of light coming from the outside world - that is to say the house. However the air was strange - we coughed a lot and decided it was better to stay in our haven.

We closed the door and it hit us painfully. John was dead. John is dead. He won't come back, he won't tell us anymore how difficult it is to run a farm or how to take care of a field. He always had so many great story about his farm and we didn't listen to him as much as we should have had. If only we had known what was going to happen.

Yes. Closing that door was the moment I realised how much we lost when we lost him. He was indeed a second dad to me and I felt so alone. Then Anna cried and we hugged.

It was hard for us but it was worse to Adriana. She went crazy. She told us she knew the corpse smelt worst than our toilets but she needed it because it was as if he was still there with here. She tried to open the door again but we convinced her not to do it. Sometimes she suddenly starts to speak when we're trying to sleep in the dark and she goes like "how are you today John ?".

At first Anna answered her he was dead but Adriana just ignored her and kept talking as if he was answering so she stopped. Then Michael decided to roleplay him sometimes and to answer her. We let him because neither of us had the force to stop him.

That's how we spent the last few days - there's not too much I can say about it and I'm hungry. I know I will regret later not to write more - I noticed how as soon as the light turns off I have a million thoughts to write down. Another day I guess.