The App: App-ocalypse (1)

Day 28 - Being underground

Now that we're on our own we decided to extend a bit our light time. We have enough food to eat during months - maybe even for a year. That's reassuring. That's terrifying.

Reassuring to know there's no way for us to starve. Terrifying to have to imagine staying here for a year or so. I mean it's great living with Anna and Michael but we're still living in total obscurity. And there's no way we don't grow bored of each other's company. Especially after yesterday.

Things are really awkward between Anna and I now that I tried to kiss her - and even worse considering the shower thing. I may have been too brutal on my moves here. It reminded me my first moments with Mark.

Yes Mark tried to kiss me once, in the very beginning of our relationship. I tried to forget about that but who am I kidding ? Yes exactly: not me.

We didn't really talk at the time because of my father. He was the shy polite good-looking guy from the swimming pool and that was all we both could say about him. Of course I caught more than once his eyes staring at me and I may have stared too.

Indeed he was good-looking and all except I couldn't help but wondering why I spent so much time looking at him. Clearly I know now I wasn't really falling for him - not the way I'm falling for Anna. Except I never really fell for anyone before Anna. I couldn't know this wasn't true excitement when I was watching him. I think I just loved the idea to please him. Was I choosing my swimsuit thinking of how I will look for him? Definitely. Was I in love? No. I was in love with the idea of him looking at me and being excited. It was never him that turned me on, I was just excited to expose myself because... I don't know it's exciting to know someone can be pleased by you.

This is getting weird to write. Moving on.

One day, when my dad went to the toilets, Mark swam toward me and tried to kiss me - it was almost out of the blue. I rejected him. Not in a bad way, no. I just turned my head and he kissed my cheek instead of my lips.

I remember him blushing harder than ever. And then he went back to the other side of the pool after mumbling some words I didn't hear. There was so much going through my head at the time. I still don't really know why I rejected him. I think it was suddenly too real. Painfully real: this perfect handsome and muscular guy was into me and I wasn't excited by him. I knew I wasn't that pleased. Of course I lied to myself and was convinced I was only afraid of my father catching us. That's what I told Cassandra when she asked.

Then Mark stopped talking to me or to my dad for six months and was barely being polite when he saw us. It took him a lot of time to talk to me again and I believe he only did it because I was sending signals that I wanted him. I had read so many magazines and websites on how to seduce a guy and I was desperately trying to execute everyone of their advice. God I was totally an attention whore for two or three months and I'm ashamed of myself.

Now of course I can only regret how blind I was about myself. Why didn't I look up how to seduce a girl on websites? Or how to seduce a former teacher during the end of the world, for that matter.

I've never been kissed. All my life has always constituted of forced kisses that weren't real. That weren't good movie-type kisses actually. And now I get to see Anna's lips everyday and I can't kiss her.

Was I imagining things during those last ten days? Were we just closed friends? Can a friendship become more? Does she fancy me?

I really fancy her. Plus it's not like we have any other choice now. It's just the two of us and a child. Maybe she will see it that way. Maybe she didn't kiss me yesterday because of the radiation. Maybe she didn't take her shower with me because it was going too fast for her.

Or maybe I'm just delusional again. What's wrong with being delusional when we have nothing left? I'm living underground after all.

Burried underground just like I lived my whole life burried under my secrets. I'm living in the dark and I'm kinda blind. That's exactly how I spent my whole life - in the dark and blind about myself, about who I was. My whole life. Now I just want to break free and I can't. So frustrating.