The App: App-ocalypse (1)

Night 17 - Not falling asleep again

I'm so... Excited ?

I just can't sleep. I was in bed with Anna a few moments ago. She asked me why I looked so upset and I just couldn't speak to her - because I still don't know why I'm so mad at Georges and why I'm so confused about myself.

I just broke into tears in front of her. Plus, she had just changed her clothes and yes if I'm totally honest with myself I was sneaking a look at her to see more than I was supposed to see. I guess it's not something I'm supposed to do if I'm not attracted by her.

When she saw me crying her first reaction was to hug me. I found that so... cute. And so great. Being in her arms felt good, real good. Then I just rejected her abruptly because it was that good. And I never realised it before. All my life is starting to take sense in a way I never even imagined - from my best friends to my favourite shows or books. I think I knew what Georges told me. I knew it deep down. It's just starting to make sense, to be obviously obvious.

And I'm terrified about it. So I rejected her. At first.

She was confused about my sudden reaction so she asked me more questions. I didn't answer and ask her if we could just sleep for now. Of course she said yes. She's kinda perfect. And God I'm kinda in love. At least I think it's sure to call it a crush. I never really feel what I feel for her with any guy even if I was seeking this feeling with them.

So we were lying on our bed in the dark and I was just sobbing and I could sense how worried she was for me. I felt her gaze in the dark. And I wanted her to know.

I didn't say anything of course. How could I?

I just hugged her again and I felt her hand caressing my hair and the back of my head and it was so good and yes I wanted more but I just couldn't do anything. I think I really wanted more. I wanted her. I wanted her to be a part of me.

We were hugging in silence and she just fell asleep when I was so aroused by her touch, her skin, her perfume, her everything.

Crap. She was my teacher three months ago. What is wrong with me?!

And here I am hiding in the toilets again after fleeing from our bedroom. Our bedroom.

Oh my.. I'm so fucked up. I don't know what to think - but I perfectly know what I'm thinking about. I'm imagining Anna in our bed, waking up and looking for me and finding me and kissing me and --

Yes. I think Georges opened my eyes by breaking my confidence in a big way. I'm still mad at him because he read all those personal things about me but I'm also amazed by how clearvoyant he was about me.

And now I'm so terrified - in a way I'm more terrified than when someone was shooting at me. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why me? Why now ?

If only I could have some answers then maybe I could try to fall asleep.