That 'Weird' Feeling
Thursday
I was walking on my way to Bambang Baranggay Hall. Mahirap na naman sumakay. I was about to take my chances again with the Colegio De Sta. Ana / CDSA students who will be alighting the jeepney. I'm always like this most of the time.
But today was one of the rare days that I see him - tall, thin, long hair with bonnet with black backpack which probably contains his laptop. I saw him there, waiting for a ride as well. I saw this one person that I, suddenly... felt awkward again. He had just celebrated his birthday last 7th of July. And I decided not to greet him. I stopped greeting him since he has a girlfriend. And this girlfriend of his also celebrated her birthday just recently as well.
I stopped as soon as I saw Warren. I think he saw me too. And suddenly I remembered. He was there in my dreams this morning. I already saw him even before I woke up. And it's so frustrating that it's happening again. Why do I need to dream about him and see him a moment later? Why does this need to happen in the most extraordinary way? Seeing him in a magical way? And why am I so affected? I effing hate this.
"Pasensya ka na ha?", I remembered him saying this to me when he passed me by (in my dream). I was with EJ at the time. But we were in one place and guarding something when Warren passed by and said that weird line. And I just looked at him walking away after saying that to me. And f*ck, that's sooo weird. But honestly, in that dream, he was gorgeous and stunningly handsome. And I felt guilty. NOT THAT HE'S HANDSOME RIGHT NOW IN MY REALITY. HE'S NOT. MY DREAM WAS ALL BUT A DREAM. EJ IS FAR MORE HANDSOME THAN HIM. UGH!
I stayed at a safe distance. Somewhere he could not see me. And I felt crappy hiding myself from him because I didn't have the nerve to make eye contact with him. I didn't want to do a small talk or even just smile at him. No. That's bullsh*t. I want to be out of his life. Maybe I should unfriend him, together with Rai. Argh! What's wrong with me?
Pinaglalaruan ka lang ng tadhana. Nakamove on ka na April diba? Pakingteyp ka. Wag mong bigyang kahulugan ang lahat ng may kaugnayan sa inyo ni Warren. Baka maging dictionary kang maharot ka. Please naman. Stop being ridiculous. Stop feeling like you still has feelings for him as if you don't have a boyfriend of more than five years. You're so wrong. You're so effing wrong. Stop. Just stop. Stop thinking about Warren and your tragic love story. Start. Just start. Start thinking of EJ and your future with him. There. There. You're doing great.
But then, there was this moment when all of a sudden, I asked myself...
"Natuturuan ba ang puso?"
--
Nakita naman pala ni Bryan yung picture of the stones he gave me na sinend ko in reply of the picture he sent me of the customized pen I gave him as a graduation gift. It's nice to know that he's actually taking care of that simple thing I gave him. Na sakin pa rin naman din yung dalawang stones na binigay niya sakin on his Graduation Day. He replied with a smiley with that last night. I thought he already logged out kasi. Nakatulog na rin ako agad dahil sa pagod. Nakakatuwa lang. The good thing about being a teacher is that I am able to touch lives. May impact naman pala ko sa mga bata. Nararamdaman kong love nila ko at nakakataba ng puso. ^-^
At nararamdaman ko yun hanggang ngayon~
Another paper was at my desk in the Faculty when I arrived in school. Gwyneth Ann Lu has yet another note for me. May round clay pa nga inside the note. Corny but sweet. Namimiss na daw nila ko. Halos dambahin nga nila ko kapag nakikita nila ko, especially Gwen, Ace and Bianca. Eh mas malalaki pa sila sakin. -_- Nakakainis minsan kasi halos nasasakal na nila ko. May times pa na even my eyeglasses are on the verge of danger. Pero hindi ko makuhang magalit. Ewan ko ba. >_<
The only classes I handle this year are Grades 1, 2 and 4. Amazing right? Not handling the Grade 3, consisting of Alijah, Curt, Miguel and the others is not new to me. But the Grades 5 and 6 this year... Trisha and her classmates. KC and his classmates. It's really a big change for me. Kaya nga.. Parang artista na naman daw ako pag nakikita ng mga Grades 5 & 6 pupils. Yeah. I also miss them.
--
Teacher Quinie was absent today. Kahapon nag half day siya. Dalawang araw na kong nag sub sa kanya. Hindi pa rin siya nakapili ng mga isasali siya sa Grade 2 ko para sa madulang pagkukwento. -_- Kawawa naman mga Argonauts ko. So start from Recess until 5 PM, I'm with them. Kahapon, palitan kami ni Riza dahil sa Genyo Orientation ni Ms. Diane.
So far, I think.. we were able to pull it through.
-
I was really bothered of what happened this morning. I was still thinking about it. I wanted to tell someone about it. But I can't think of anyone I could share it without feeling awkward about it. So when Toff and I were in the jeep terminal bound to Pateros, I asked him,
Me: "Nananaginip ka ba?"
Toff: "Oo. Palagi."
Me: "uh... talaga?"
Toff: "Ano ka ba.. Lahat ng tao nananaginip. Kaso selected lang ang nakakaalala."
Me: "Uh? Talaga? I see..."
We didn't have any serious topic to talk about after that, so we continued watching Mirai Niki.
--
I haven't been able to talk with EJ today for real yet. I need something to hold on to. I need to make connections with him despite our busy schedule. I don't want us to just suddenly fall apart.
Siguro nakatulog agad siya. I decided to send him a message and wait for his call, "Call me if you're awake."
I was sleepy but to stay awake, I decided to do a marathon of Sword Art Online II. I was watching when EJ called but we can't hear each other so we settled with a text conversation.
EJ: "Di na kita matawagan."
Me: "Heeeeeeeya pooooot."
EJ: "Buti gising ka pa. Naririnig mko pot? Bat nawawala?"
Me: "Hindi gaano. Nawawala eh. Inaantok na nga ako eh. Pero gusto kita makausap kaya nanood na lang muna ako para maantay kita."
EJ: "Hindi kita matawagan T_T
Not available~"
Me: "T.T"
EJ: "Not avail pa din :( Gusto rin kita makausap ehh~ :("
Me: "Ikaw rin eh.."
EJ: "Sorry kung napuyat kita. Nakatulog kasi ako, nagising ako kaninang mga 830 tapos nanuod ako ng movie. Iniwan ko tong phone para magcharge. Late ko na nabasa txt mo :("
Me: "Okay lang pot. I just dont want to sleep without really being able to talk with you :)"
EJ: "Mabilis din kasi akong makatulog ngayon. Parang lagi akong pagod."
Me: "Ganyan din ako. :)"
EJ: "May pasok pla kami bukas. Ugh~ I hate this job -_-"
Me: "Aw. uu nga pala."
EJ: "Ikaw pot?"
Me: "Wula pot."
He didn't reply after that... But then.. I suddenly received a message from Claire.
