Without Toppings

Chapter 41

Everywhere

"Please," mahina niyang bulong, pero ramdam ko ang bigat ng bawat salita. "Please tell me... tell me you haven't completely forgotten me, hmm? Tell me I still exist in you."

Mas lalo akong nanghina sa narinig ko. Mabilis ang tibok ng puso ko, at halo-halong emosyon ang bumalot sa 'kin lalo na ngayong ramdam ko ang init ng katawan niyang nakayakap sa 'kin. Even his familiar scent... one I thought I had long forgotten — was pulling me back to a time I swore I'd buried.

Tangina, Yuno. Four fuckin' years. Hindi ka dapat ganito. Itinaga mo na sa bato na hindi mo hahayaan ang sarili mong bumalik sa kanya. Pero bakit ngayon na nandito siya... bakit parang bumabaliktad ang lahat ng desisyong ginawa mo?

I shook my head and exhaled sharply. You should protect yourself. You can't fall apart because of him. Not again.

"Bitaw," matigas at mababa kong sabi. I felt how his body stiffened at my words.

Umiling siya. "Ayaw ko. Not when you—"

"Para saan pa at bumalik ka?" putol ko, pilit tinatago ang panginginig sa boses ko. "Para ano? Para sirain ulit ako? Tangina, Cid, hindi mo alam kung gaano kahirap ang pinagdaanan ko — kung gaano kahirap makalimot, kung paano pilit kong itinayo ang sarili ko mula sa pagkawasak na iniwan mo."

Napalunok ako nang maramdaman kong may bumabara sa lalamunan ko. "At sa tingin mo, sa apat na taon na 'yon, hindi pa ako nakausad sa 'tin? Please, don't be fuckin' stupid."

Nang matapos kong bigkasin ang masasakit na salitang iyon ay marahang kumalas siya sa yakap niya, at kahit papaano, nagawa kong huminga. Pero kahit wala na ang init ng katawan niya sa 'kin, nanatili pa rin siya — nakatingin, hindi natinag, puno ng determinasyon na humarap sa 'kin.

Maya-maya, marahan niyang inabot ang pisngi ko, hinagod iyon ng hinlalaki niya, kasabay ng isang mapait na ngiti.

"I know when you're lying, Yuno." His eyes studied my face, as if searching for the truth I refused to say. "Four years... I waited four years for you. Do you really think I'd let you go now? That I'd just stand back and watch you from a distance?"

"Four years... Four years were enough for the space I gave you. But just because I wasn't with you all those years... doesn't mean I ever stopped loving you." His voice trembled, raw with desperation, as if he'd been holding these words in for far too long.

"I love you, Yuno. And you—" He exhaled shakily, frustration evident in every breath.

"You cursed me. You haunted me to the point that I started hating myself — not for loving you, but for not fighting for you. For being too much of a coward to claim you when I had the chance." His voice softened, cracking at the edges.

"I admit I was scared... Scared to love you the way I wanted to. Scared of falling too hard, only to end up breaking again. God knows how much I tried to stop myself, tried to silence what I felt. But my heart... my mind... they never lied to me. They just keep beating for you. You showed me love in a way I never knew existed. You gave me something real... something I longed for but never believed I deserved. So I let you in. I let myself love you, let my heart open to you again. But..." His voice faltered, and I saw it — the unshed tears glistening at the corner of his eyes.

"But before I could even tell you... I had already broken your heart. I was fucking stupid that night — no, I was a fucking asshole all this time." His jaw tightened, as if the weight of his own words was crushing him. "Each night, I lived with the guilt. The regret. Hating myself for hurting you, for betraying your trust, for ruining everything we had before I even got the chance to tell you how much you meant to me."