Iyan ang pumapasok sa isip ko sa tuwing nakikita ko ito... a strange mantra that never leaves me. It's deep, it could pull me under, drown me.
Again.
I feel it, even from the surface. Tinatawag ako, binubulong 'yong mga nakaraan na gusto kong patahimikin. But every inch of it seems to remember, as if the water holds all the things I try to forget.
It's dark, infinite, a weight pressing down on my chest, and even the smallest ripple feels like it knows me. Knows what I'm hiding from.
Others say water soothes them, like it washes away pain. They say it brings them calm.
Pero iba ako.
It reflects my own shadow back to me, letting me see it. No matter how deep I try to bury them, my fears, my failures, my pain— they all float back up to the surface when I'm near it.
The world above feels so far, and part of me wonders if I'm already lost somewhere beneath the surface, drifting farther and farther from everyone I know, from anything real.
Ngayon, ang bigat ng katawan ko. Pakiramdam ko ay nakakulong ako, hindi makahinga. Maybe it's my way out, an escape from the cruel world above?
Once, I thought this way. Pero no'ng mga oras na iyon ay lumaban ako. I clawed my way back to the surface, refused to let it claim me.
But now... what if I try to break free? Would the ache in my chest ease? Or is the water my only escape, the only way to end this?
I try to open my eyes, despite the stinging. The water blurs everything, shapes twisting, shadows warping around me. But then, through the haze, I see a hand reaching toward me.
My heart skips, and instinctively, my body tenses, shivering with an old fear. The memory slams into me— those hands that once tried to drown me, forcing me under until my lungs burned. That hand, now stretching toward me, feels like a trap, like it could drag me down... all over again.
Gusto kong tumakbo, lumangoy nang malalim, papalayo bago pa ako maabot nito. Pero andito na siya. The hand moves closer, followed by another... then another.
Nanlaki ang mata ko sa nakita. No'ng huli, dalawa lang 'to. Bakit ngayon... apat na? Why do I feel like they're multiplying?
The panic swells, clawing at my throat as I kick, desperate to get free. I expect the hands to push me down, to hold me there until there's nothing left of me but darkness.
Then, with one strong pull, they bring me up, breaking the surface in one sharp motion. Air rushes into my lungs, filling me as I gasp, chest heaving, each breath feeling like it might collapse.
Ginala ko ang tingin at maraming tao ang nakatingin sa akin. Naririnig ko sila pero hindi ko masyadong maintindihan. Malabo ang lahat. Ang tanging naririnig ko ay ang malakas kong paghinga, pag-ubo, at ang lasa ng tubig na mula sa labi ko.
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