American Pyramid

UNHOLY WATER

Zak

The overwhelming flood of direct messages and notifications were too much to keep up with. Some die-hard fans were starting to put pieces of the puzzle together and figure out what had happened that day at the museum. "Fan Theories" are what they call it, and some of these theories can be absolutely crazy. 

We were heading home today after we were done filming, and I was impatient as hell to get back home and make sure Tori was getting the help she needed. I couldn't describe how much my heart broke seeing her so consumed into drugs and alcohol - to see the light on those eyes of hers that I loved so much seem so lifeless over the last month. I wanted nothing more than for her to find that light again. 

As I was driving back on the interstate towards Las Vegas, I couldn't help but dial Sam's number after Tori didn't answer my call. "Hey, man." 

"Hey, are you with Tori right now? She didn't answer when I called her just now." 

"Yeah. She, uh, decided to do something her own way instead of going to this appointment..." 

"What do you mean?" 

"She said she was gonna quit cold turkey, then took a bottle of water and a pack of crackers and locked herself in the bedroom closet." 

A trauma response, I thought, which was something my own mom mentioned to me when I asked her for advice on how to deal with it. She thought that in some way, Tori would resort to the one thing that traumatized her the most to to seek mastery - to overcome a subconscious desire to control a situation that she could not control when the initial trauma happened. 

And maybe my mom was right, but I still didn't like it nonetheless.  

When I got home after another hour and a half of driving, Sam met me at the front door, and I didn't want anything to do with him right now. I wanted to see what was going on. I didn't want to hear about it anymore. I needed to get eyes on the situation so I could figure out how to help fix it. 

I frowned as I noticed Gracie laying in the floor in front of our closet door, her ears laying relaxed against her head, and it looked like she had been laying there for quite a while. "Tori?" I asked, hovering my hand above the knob. "Excuse me, Gracie. I'm going to open the door." 

"No, Zak," Tori replied from behind the door, and I could tell she had been crying. "I need to do this." 

"Let me see you," I frowned, now unlocking the closet door as I realized she really did lock herself in. "I'm coming in, okay?" 

When I opened the door, she was laying on her stomach with one arm supporting her head, a mug of water and pack of crackers laying nearby as she appeared to have been writing in a notebook. "What're you doing, sweetie?"  

"Quitting. If I don't quit cold turkey, I'll never quit," she sighed. "Going to a shrink isn't going to make me quit. This is something I started myself and I have to finish it myself." 

I sighed, now moving to sit down on the floor between the door frame, my hand laying between her shoulder blades as I attempted to comfort her, "Do you find some sort of familiarity or comfort by choosing to put yourself in here?" 

I didn't want to offend her by asking her that question, but why else would she choose to lock herself in our closet when that was the one thing that traumatized her the most from her childhood? 

She nodded, "I willingly put myself here because I know the outcome - I know I can get out at any point compared to when I was little. I remember how desperate I was to get out and did my best brainstorming by being isolated." 

"I don't want you to relive those moments with how much it traumatized you-" 

"I have a different mindset now, Zak. I know that I'm not in that situation anymore. I know I'm safe. It's just the concept that I need. Like I said before: if I don't quit cold turkey, I won't quit at all." 

I sighed, "How long are you planning to stay in here?" 

"Until I've had enough," she sighed. "I need to get these thoughts in my mind out, and this is the only way I know how. I'll be fine, I promise." 

"Just know that I'll be here for when you need me. Don't think for one second I'm going to leave this house until you're ready to come out." 

"I'll come out for obvious things like the bathroom and to feed the horses, but as far as getting this addiction out of my system, I need to be away from it as much as possible." 

"I trust you, sweetie," I assured her. "Take all the time you need, and just know that I'll be here for you for as long as you'll have me." 

"Thank you." she smiled up at me, and I leaned down to press a kiss to the top of her head. 

"You're welcome. Please leave the light on. I don't want you sitting here in the dark." 

"I will." 

"Good. I'll be downstairs for a little bit. I'm going to throw my clothes in the washer." 

"Okay." 

"I love you." 

"I love you, too." 

I saw a glimpse of that familiar light show in her face, and I was hopeful that she was going to get through this rather quickly. 

Victoria

I needed to write - needed to write my feelings down in the best way I knew how: music. 

My mind consumed my desire to get my thoughts onto paper, and I swear I could've written seven songs right then and there, but I knew I needed to pace myself if I wanted to make this worth it. Not once did I think about how my childhood was because what Zak said was right: the familiarity of me being in a position that I could predict the outcome. It was hard to explain, but I felt comfortable. 

I knew I could leave whenever I wanted, whereas as a child, I had no choice, but I knew that Zak was there - I knew that he wouldn't let me fall even though I thought I deserved to. 

When I say I didn't deserve him, I truly believe I don't. He deserved someone who didn't bring so much drama into his life, but he doesn't seem to realize that. There was something that he saw in me that was worth it to him, and maybe I can understand that because what I saw in him was a pure blessing.